There are only a few reasons to take a shower. One possible reason is that you are so smelly that strangers tell you as much. If a stranger complains that you are smelly, it means that you are so smelly that the stranger felt the need to tell you about it, an uncomfortable act for anyone. If a friend or family member tells you that you are smelly, you can probably just ignore it and write it off as playful teasing. But if you are so dirty that you raise dust clouds as you walk around sterilized areas, you may want to consider showering. It is important that you diagnose your level of dirtiness in sterilized areas since unsterilized areas comes with their own dirt and grime, which could easily mix with your dirt and grime and give you an inaccurate measurement of your filthiness.
If, alternatively, you are not smelly or dirty enough to meet these requirements but still want to take a shower, you should probably do something to get dirty or smelly enough to warrant the use of enough water to hydrate a mid-sized village in Siberia. Maybe you should join an intramural team, like volleyball or ball hockey. Ultimate Frisbee is also very popular in warmer months. Intramural sports are great for this because even though you aren’t good enough to play the sport at a competitive level, you still really like the sport and will probably get really into the game and work up a sweat. You could also just run in place for a few hours until you get sweaty enough to take a shower. This would be an especially good option if you don’t like spending time with other people, but do like showering.
If you have, probably begrudgingly, decided you need to take a shower, the first step in the process is to find a shower. Most showers are located in bathrooms or bathroom showroom stores. Some showers in bathroom showroom stores are not fully functional, so they will not be very useful for this instructional guide. At this point, you need to find a bathroom. Many bathrooms can be found in public places—these are called “public bathrooms.” Although these can be very useful in tight situations, they are often gross and sometimes do not have showers. Remember, locating a shower is a key part of this process, so don’t give up! Try looking in your own bathroom at home; you may be surprised to find exactly what you are looking for there.
Upon finding a shower, you should now attempt to bathe yourself. Most doctors agree that you should be naked when taking a shower, but some are just not comfortable with this. Don’t be embarrassed to wear your swim trunks in the shower the first few hundred times you attempt this tricky operation.
The next step is to turn on the water. This is probably one of the most difficult parts of the process. Although most showers differ in their setting for adjusting the water temperature, most shower knobs share one characteristic: every setting except one is excruciatingly hot or terrifyingly cold, and adjusting the knob or knobs by more than 1/16 of an inch will make the water temperature unbearable. You’ll probably need to spend a good 15 to 20 minutes determining a good temperature for your upcoming shower. Trial and error is a good method, although some showerers will collect samples of water in containers and measure them with an instant read thermometer, but this is best left to the pros.
At this point, you may have spent up to 20 minutes standing naked (or in swim trunks) in your bathroom testing the water temperature. After 20 minutes in the bathroom with the shower running, your roommates probably think you are just playing with yourself in the shower, which is totally not cool, so you should probably turn off the shower and pretend to dry off.
You may be upset that you didn’t actually bathe yourself, but hopefully you are honing in on the perfect setting for the water temperature. You probably weren’t even smelly or dirty enough to need a shower anyway, so don’t worry about it. Just put some gel in your hair, rub your face with olive oil, and you’ll be fine.
