After finally trying beer for the first time this past week, freshman Steven Karp has officially announced his plans to abandon his intentions of going to med school to become a doctor.
Karp said that during recent weeks of “experimentation” with beer, he has decided that drinking and partying is a more valuable way to spend his time than studying for his biology and chemistry classes, which Karp described as “boring and way too hard anyways.”
“I was really interested in becoming a doctor. House and Scrubs are two of my favourite shows. I also really like M.A.S.H.” Karp said. “But that stuff is really hard and drinking beer is way more fun.”
Karp was first introduced to beer in a friend’s room down the hall. Ron Garner, the hallmate who gave Karp his first beer said he didn’t realize Karp had never drank alcohol before and is concerned about the consequences of his actions on Karp’s future.
“I hope I didn’t screw him up,” Garner said. “At least he’s way more fun now. He’s also way more willing to lend me money now, which is wicked.”
Lloyd Hathe, a friend and classmate of Karp, is glad that Karp finally tried beer and thinks his switching programs is a good idea.
“He was always pretty annoying in class,” Hathe said. “He always acted like he was J.D. from Scrubs, which was very weird. Also, he was terrible at this stuff. I’m glad he finally was able to relax and have a beer. I think it’ll do him a lot of good.”
Though only a U0 student, Karp said that he had firm plans to get a Bachelor of Science degree in molecular cell biology and then move on to medical school. But after beginning to drink beer, Karp said that he just doesn’t have time to balance “parting and drinking and doing all that stupid nerdy stuff.”
“That stuff is so lame,” he said. “I’ll probably switch into Arts and do something fun and easy, like cultural studies or communications. That’s pretty easy, right?”
“Totally, man,” answered Garner as he readied a beer bong for Karp at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
“Now stop being such a girl and take this to the face,” Garner added.
