A shipment of scarves and cardigans intended for the McGill philosophy department has been delayed in transit, causing major concern and worry for the members of the program.
The philosophy department, which many students in the department call “the only thing worth doing,” is currently searching for the package. However, because the Internet is “too open to being tampered with and isn’t pure knowledge,” those in charge of the search have had a difficult time tracking the package using Wittgenstein’s Logical Investigations.
“I know it was published posthumously, but it’s the only tool for investigations we have,” said John Boome, the U5 student in charge of the search effort. “Although most of Wittgenstein’s investigations involve language games rather than package location, I think we’re doing pretty well so far.”
Howard Michaels, VP Apparel and Accessories of the Philosophy Students’ Association, said the order for the cardigans and scarves was originally placed four weeks ago from “a place you’ve never heard of and is too complicated for you to understand anyways.”
“This is very distressing,” Michaels said. “People need to know, at all times, that we’re smarter than them. How are they going to know if they can’t tell from my appearance that I’m in philosophy?”
“My job, as VP A&A, is to make sure that all students know how smart we are without actually having to say it,” assed Michaels.
Lauren Chard, a philosophy student waiting on a personal order of two cardigans and five scarves, said she was especially concerned about the delayed order since she is tired of just telling people how smart she is, “I want them to just know.”
“In my program—a program based entirely on hypotheticals—we are too busy being the smartest to have time to tell others how smart we are,” Chard said. “My scarves are just an easy signal to others that I’m smarter than them.”
Boome said that after so much time spent on an unsuccesful investigation, he has begun to grow concerned that the scarves and cardigans were “lost in an empty, bottomless hole of despair and othering.”
“No, I’m not joking,” Boome said sternly. “The more we know about the shipment, the less we actually know.”
