Holly Brewart

This Tuesday, the Students’ Society passed a General Assembly motion to make McGill campus the most sustainable campus in Canada, and probably on Earth.

SSMU’s environmental motion will create a number of changes on campus starting in September 2011.  Firstly, all disposable plates, cups and cutlery will be banned. Students carrying their own Tupperware will be permitted to use it in all campus cafeterias, but those without will have to make do.

“Students don’t need coffee cups and plates—cafeterias can just serve food into their cupped hands,” said SSMU VP University Affairs, Emma Pear, when asked how she thought students would cope with the transition.  

A team of engineers has been commissioned by SSMU to design new recycling bins which punish students who fail to recycle. When students go to dispose of their waste, they will have to insert their hand into a five-inch hole. If they have not correctly recycled, their hands will be ravaged by an automated shredder.

“The team we’ve commissioned for the automated shredder hasn’t quite perfected the system yet,” said Pear. “But we’re really excited for the changes that will take place on campus.”

Furthermore, in an effort to eat more local foods, McGill will start a small farm on lower campus that will grow beets, tomatoes, and potatoes; it will also feature some cattle and pigs. All programs will also requires three credits per semester of Farm Maintenance courses. Approved courses include: Farming 110: Cow milking; Farming 210: Quality fertilizer; and Farming 422: Advanced techniques in legume watering.

Because the university can’t regulate how students get to and from school, all students who use modes of transport that burn fossil fuels will be socially ostracized by being forced to wear a large scarlet letter “C” for carbon. The James Administration building, formerly home to the offices of university officials, will be gutted and turned into a massive bike storage locker.  

When wintertime rolls around, thermostats will be kept between 0°C and negative 5°C in all buildings.  

“Deal with it,” said McGill Principal of Sustainability Hayley Bonroe-Plum, when asked to comment on the complaints of some students that the cold libraries would numb their fingers and effectively prevent them from writing papers.  “Students come and go; sustainability is here to stay.”