Dear Taylor,
The Gaylor and Swift-zerland Delegations of McGill University would like to warmly congratulate you on the success of The Eras Tour and the whole soon-to-be-billionaire thing. More importantly, we would like to beg—ahem—invite you to perform for us. Yes, the Miss Americana persona is classic, but your neighbours to the North could use a little love to get us through the impending blizzards. And what better place than Montreal to perform “Forever Winter” for the first time as one of the surprise songs?
Weather that feels like you’re going “back to December all the time” isn’t Montreal’s only draw, though. Travelling by private jet (as you so often do) will allow you to avoid our city’s famously endless construction. You can get the poutine without the potholes, the sesame bagels without the sidewalk closings, and the joie de vivre without a jackhammer in sight. Furthermore, we can offer a wide array of potential concert locations. McGill’s Tomlinson Fieldhouse has excellent acoustics, as evidenced by the reverberating sound of Faculty of Science students sobbing through their finals. Molson Stadium could provide a fantastic pseudo-American vibe with its 110-yard football field (yes, it’s different from American football, don’t ask). And, if push comes to shove, there is always Moyse Hall in the Arts Building, which is allegedly asbestos-free. Moyse would also be the most economical choice for your tour since much of the theatre tech is carried out by ENGL 368 and ENGL 372 students. They aren’t just free labour—they’re actually paying to be there!
If you thought those were the only perks, think again. You and McGill have so much in common! For example, performativity is your bread and butter: McGill gives a ten-second land acknowledgement before meetings, and you changed one lyric to one song one time. And although many other lyric changes may have better suited the snarky, bitter tone of “Better Than Revenge”—my suggestion is “craved fifteen minutes of fame in the camera flashes”—the Gaylor population greatly appreciates the Evermore-ification of Speak Now.
Now, we must move on to the elephant in the room. We know this can be a touchy subject, but we would be remiss if we ignored this simple fact: you have never dated a Canadian. “A grey sky” and “drinking in the afternoon” are not exclusive to London boys, after all. And let’s be honest, even a Desautels student would probably be less problematic than Matty Healy. Probably. Plus, our campus would make a fantastic setting for a wedding—or, at the very least, a wedding-themed music video. Cloudberry could be the ring bearer. The other squirrels could be bridesmaids. We could even get the Hot Dog Guy to cater. A few thousand hot dogs couldn’t cost much more than an RVC salad, so it’s a no-brainer.
If the points mentioned above haven’t convinced you, that’s ok! Just remember that McGill is a numbers game (we know you love those!). There were 39,513 total students in the fall semester of 2022. 39,000 is 13, your lucky number, multiplied by 3000. The Jonas Brothers released “Year 3000” in 2006, the same year as your debut album, Taylor Swift. Your album sold 5,800,000 copies. Divide that number by 1821, the year of McGill’s founding, and you get roughly 3,185. Divide that by 2, the number of brain cells I have left after doing all these calculations, and you get about 1592. Add another lucky 13, plus another 2 just for fun, and you get 1607, which is the approximate price of a resale ticket to “Eras.” See? Simple math! We promise your fans will go crazy for it.
We greatly appreciate your consideration. Please say hi to the cats for us.
Sincerely,
The Gaylor and Swift-zerland Delegations of McGill University
P.S. You know it’s serious when Swift-zerland gets involved.
