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Shin splints, stress fractures, and plantar fasciitis plague most distance runners at some point, but there’s one condition that nearly all endurance athletes face, one that makes roads unsafe and unsanitary for casual exercisers: sudden onset runner’s diarrhea. Some athletes don’t poop and tell, forever ashamed of their experiences in the bushes or of the time they didn’t make it home. For others, it’s a rite of passage, and the more inconvenient and agonizing the incident, the better the story.

Who’s at risk?

Runners, joggers, bikers, and whoever is in their way.

Symptoms

The condition should be self- explanatory: sudden onset runner’s diarrhea.

To qualify as SORD, the event must be absolutely unanticipated. Anticipating the effects of last night’s Thai Express doesn’t count. It also must take place at, or near, the turnaround point of a run, far away from home. The problem begins as a slight stomach disturbance. However, what separates SORD from a stomach ache is the progression of symptoms. The continual bouncing of a runner’s body turns a low pressure system into a category five tornado, and when the cramping sets in, it becomes a battle to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  A SORD-stricken runner will typically be seen hunched over, sweating profusely, waddling like a penguin moving at high speed, and exhibiting a look of sheer terror.

Causes

With a diet heavy in fruit, vegetables, and whole grains, the average endurance athlete consumes more fibre than is in your grandmother’s Metamucil bottle. Occasional experimentation with supplements doesn’t help.  

Treatment

There are three treatment options: find a public bathroom, pray  you can make it home without soiling your shorts, or address the problem immediately in a public place. The first is rarely available, so learn how to politely convince shopkeepers and restaurant owners to let you use their bathrooms. Phrases such as “If you don’t let me use your bathroom, I will shit all over your floor” or “I’m in labour, where’s the bathroom?” usually incite enough panic (or confusion) in business owners to let you end your agony in a nice, private, sanitary stall.

The second option, getting home in time, is risky. Some can pull it off, although this often requires a super human effort.

The third option is embarrassing, but immediately effective. Unfortunately, there’s no place to discretely drop trou on the Lachine Canal. The mountain is safer, although you run the risk of an uncomfortable run-in with cross country skiers or hikers. This move requires finesse, and a basic understanding of botany, because poison ivy can ruin your day for the second time.

When to seek help

As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A pre-run poop can prevent 95 per cent of SORD cases. However, even the most disciplined can run into trouble. A general rule is don’t be a hero. If you think it might be SORD, run for your life. Or your shorts.