You might think it’s a bit early to start thinking about rearing children, but it’s not. Kids are everywhere and need to be dealt with in the right way. If you make a mistake raising a child, you are effectively giving the middle finger to the future, and that’s just kind of rude. So, we have assembled some basic things to keep in mind when grooming the future of humankind.

Candy

Candy will make your kid fat. Do you really want a fat kid? If your kid gets fat, then they won’t have any friends and they won’t get a job and they’ll die. Do you really want a dead kid? So, to make sure they don’t eat candy, here’s what you do. Forbid your child from ever eating candy … except on Halloween night. On Halloween, take your child out trick-or-treating and let them collect all the candy they want. But then, specify to your child that he or she needs to finish it all before midnight or you will have to destroy what is left over so that the ghouls of Hallows’ Eve past don’t come and eat your child’s face (make sure you tell this to them to make them extra-terrified). Then, the kid will eat so much that they’ll probably get sick and vomit everywhere. At this point, you can tell the child that they’re probably allergic to candy and they should never eat it again. Now, you don’t have to worry about Type II diabetes.

Awards

Never let your child have an award unless they win something. Too many participation awards are given out to young kids. This is a stupid idea. It makes them complacent. No wonder this country never wins anything in sports. If your child is given some sort of participation award, you should take it away from them and smash it in front of them. This will build their character so they learn not to take shit from nobody. Along the same lines, you should make everything a competition. This will encourage them to get better at things and make them more awesome as they get older. If you have multiple kids, make them compete against each other for your affection and promise to only love the winner. This will make them try extra hard and will also teach them that nothing is free, especially love and affection.

Lying

Lie to your children when you see fit. For example, tell them a fork is actually called a “spoon.” This will confuse them and entertain you to no end. Furthermore, they will be so confused over basic utensils that they will have to discover new ways to eat food, which would be awesome. Imagine eating soup with a knife … badass, right? Also, if you lie to them and they figure out you’re lying, then you know that your kid isn’t a total idiot and you can then be sure that you will send them to school instead of having them work on your farm as a chicken shepherd.

Apathy

You should try to be relatively apathetic about your kids. When they’re teenagers, they’ll be apathetic about everything, so you might as well get ahead of them by a few years. Let your kids do whatever they want. Tell everyone you are following a trendy new parenting style, approved by Oprah, called “free range children.” They literally don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. Don’t want to go to school? Fine. Their choice. Want to wear their Halloween costume to school in December? Sounds good. Not only will this reinforce their sense of entrepreneurship and creativity, it will also teach them that keeping it real is the most important skill they can ever learn. Furthermore, when your kid gets mocked for wearing a Halloween costume to school in December (which they will), you can a) Tell them you told them so, which will be fun for you, and b) Teach them how to fight back, either verbally, physically, or both. If you later get called into the principal’s office because your kid was “defending himself” in the schoolyard by making fun of other kids, just tell the principal to stop being such a nerd, or you’re going to give him a swirly in the toilet. At this point it doesn’t matter what other adults think of your kid … your kid is going to be so ace.