A pigeon here, a pigeon there, a pigeon everywhere

Every serious person knows the importance of preparation. The simple act of extensively accounting for every iota of variability within one’s pursuits. Without it, Napoleon would never have set Europe ablaze, Genghis Khan’s conquest would not have claimed the lives of millions, Pitbull would never take on the moniker “Mr. Worldwide.” It is with this mindset that I set out to fulfill my lifelong dream, to make a low-budget student film.

Part I. The Story

This did not come easy. It’s practically common knowledge that the most important factor for a filmmaker to make a great film, outside of a strong liver for their scotch consumption and an even stronger arm for throwing chairs at unpaid interns, lies in a solid script.

My initial idea was a film about love and glory, delving into friendships and hardships, all through the adventures of a team of brave, technologically advanced guinea pigs. To my horror, I quickly learned that this film had already been brought to life in 2009’s G-Force. So, once again, I returned to the drawing board.

My second idea, inspired by the touching vignette I had written the year prior about my childhood love for Richard Nixon, was the tale of an underdog. A story about a small child from Thunder Bay, Ontario, (a town with which I have no affiliation) that decides to rebel against the system, changing the perception brought upon by the old guard and restoring Nixon’s reputation. And they know just how to do it, by contacting Nixon’s ghost through a spiritual medium so that they can bathe in his wise words and put them into action.

I had a basic premise, but a script needs so much more: It required an antagonist. For reasons I can’t fully explain, the first and only contender was... a pigeon. Following this, I needed a source of conflict and decided it would naturally be the aforementioned pigeon. A vile and cruel creature hellbent against the restoration of Nixon’s image. Some might suggest the pigeon serves as a metaphor. Those people need to back off; the pigeon is all too real.

To this day, I’m still ambivalent about which aspect of a pigeon’s nature makes it the perfect heel to my story. Is it their lightweight skeletal structure, perfectly adaptable for flight? Perhaps it was their short, conical beaks, remarkably efficient for seed and grain consumption? Or maybe, it was the lingering memory of being violently attacked by a one-eyed, crooked-beaked pigeon as a child? I’m not sure; it remains a complete mystery to me still. Yet I was determined to find an answer. I reached out to avid baseball card collector and my paterfamilias, Majid Kamel, for potential answers.

In an interview with The Tribune, Kamel said, “What are you talking about? What pigeon? Is this seriously how you’re spending your last semester? You have the MCATs in three months, Arian.”

The mystery continued.

Nonetheless, no matter its Freudian origins, I know that I had a deeply powerful and moving story in hand, and that it was my responsibility to create it.

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Part II. The Production

The next point of order for my magnum opus is tackling the actual production elements—the essential tools to turn my script into cinematic reality. However, I once again stumbled upon another bump in the road—a complete lack of funding, resources, and technical skills. A lesser filmmaker may let this stop them, but I had a secret weapon—humility.

I drew inspiration from the mantra “Lights, Camera, Action” and figured that all I needed for my production were a few cameras, some lighting equipment, a couple batteries, perhaps one or two CGI experts, around a dozen intimacy coordinators, and an experienced pigeon tamer. The only issue was, I had no idea where to find them.

Leveraging my higher-education critical thinking skills, I quickly turned to Google and typed in “McGill short film?” And there was my answer, like a beautiful quail perched upon a slightly less beautiful branch, the club known as Student Television at McGill (TVM).

Wasting no time, I quickly sat down and interviewed the honourable Sofia Andrade, president of TVM and my former subletter, to better understand what my next steps would be.

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Interview Transcript with Sofia Andrade

What exactly is TVM?

TVM is a filmmaking service that provides McGill students with the support and equipment to make any kind of video project.

You do student short films? Why?

Yeah! We do all sorts of projects. Anything video-related. We do service requests, event coverage, podcasts, and short films.

McGill does not have a filmmaking program so having a space where students can meet other filmmakers, borrow equipment, access software, and generally learn how to create films—even with no prior skill—is very important.

How much money do I get?

If you make something as a TVM project, we’ll do our best to fund what your film requires. We provide equipment and assistance, and we’ll make sure everyone gets fed.

Filmmaking can be a very expensive venture and while we don't have an infinite budget, we do what we can to make sure it can be an accessible venture for McGill students.

Are my chances of getting TVM’s help decreasing as this interview continues?

Perhaps.

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TVM’s generosity meant that I had the equipment I needed, leaving the props as the final missing element for my shoot. My lack of capital however did necessitate a certain dose of creativity.

Props List:

• Gold coins → Dollarama chocolate coins (cost: $1.25)
• Unusually tall stool → Graciously beg Gerts bar manager to borrow stool (cost: Free?)
• Richard Nixon T-shirt → I actually already own three (cost: parent’s pride)
• Spiritual voodoo table → Ikea table that I found on Facebook (cost: $5.00)
• Worn-out watch → I actually inherited a watch from my great-grandfather recently (don’t worry, he passed away peacefully in his sleep…while driving) (cost: family tragedy)

Part III. The Cast

The final step of my preparation would be the most important. I needed to cast the right talent to portray the harrowing, dark, criminal depictions of human struggle and strife in my film. Luckily, with the abundance of Nixon clips available online, hiring a lookalike to reenact Nixon’s charming demeanor would be unnecessary and significantly reduce costuming costs.

This would be my sole consolation in this wretched journey called life.

Now, I wasn’t completely sure where to find the right actors: Facebook, the streets, or approaching people donning scarves inside cafes? None of the options felt right.

I decided to do what all great directors before me have done; I resorted to pressuring my close friends to get involved. And I’m proud to report that after only two months of dignified begging, haggling, and more begging, I successfully rallied enough support to commence filming. For my dear readers who are also aspiring to create their cinematic works and possibly doubting this approach, I spoke with one of the actors involved to highlight the specific talents and skills I was seeking.

In a discussion on her acting “method,” Sadie Bryant, an actress and potential pigeon tamer, shared with The Tribune, “I know it’s controversial, but I find the scientific method always works best for me. You know, question, research, hypothesis. It prepares me for pretty much every project I take on.”

Ari (Right) and Sadie (Left) at work.

I was able to quickly fill the cast this way, except for one role, some would say the most important role: Pigeon. It makes sense: To play a pigeon to its full potential, one would need real talent, mental fortitude, physical grace, and of course, a great intellect. This combination of qualities could not be found at McGill…yet. If you believe you or your loved one could fit his description, please get in touch. I don’t bite, on most occasions.

“Pigeons: They’ve got wings, but they walk a lot.”
- Karl Pilkington

Part 4. The film

Throughout my journey, I have been confronted by skepticism from those around me. “Are you writing about Nixon again?” “I don’t understand what the pigeon is for.” “Man you’re so talented and probably better than most at long division.” Some comments come up less than others.

Despite these doubts, I remain steadfast in my commitment to my vision. The upcoming weeks are crucial, as we will start filming and editing before submitting our work to the Cannes Film Festival. I’m not entirely sure what’s driven me to this moment, maybe ego, probably boredom, but I’m genuinely excited to spread my wings and walk towards a brighter tomorrow.