On March 29, the Conservative federal government released its budget for the 2012-2013 year, which included many austerity measures in order to reduce Canada’s enormous fiscal deficit. Though many of those measures elicited strong reactions from Canadians, none created even a quarter of a shockwave as grand as the one from the announcement that the penny is bound to disappear.

 The government cited several reasons for the elimination of the 136-year-old coin. First of all, every penny created costs the government 1.6 cents, so removing the penny from circulation will save the government up to $150 million annually. Considering that the penny was creating a deficit for the Canadian Mint, the government decided to unfreeze the value of the penny and adjust its worth.

“The measure is intended to adjust the value of the penny to what it was worth in 1968,” explained an anonymous source within government. “In this case, the penny was worth utterly nothing in 1968 because it’s a stupid coin.”

Secondly, the government admitted that eliminating the penny was a key first step in eventually removing an even greater ill in circulation in Canada: Nickelback. The Albertan rock band is often described as “a band so bad that only a Loony could like them,” and ever since its inception in 1995, the government has been reducing the numbers of nickels in circulation, praying that the band would get the message.

Finally, the government announced that after retrieving all Canadian pennies, the Mint will melt them and create the first ever “penny suit” which they will give to Don Cherry as a retirement gift. Whether the suit will be given once Cherry announces his retirement, or given to him in order to force him to retire after being crushed by the 1.5 tonne suit was not clear, though many would argue that Cherry’s thoughts aren’t even worth a penny at this point.

Following the announcement, nearly all Canadians felt the need to express their two cents thoughts on the matter. Though the move has music fans across the world cheering for more, others feel betrayed by their government. “I feel like to those who voted for change, the government is officially replying: ‘screw you, we’re taking it away,'” a radical student from McGill University claimed. “A proper Marxist government would never do that to its people.”

The austerity measure was met with much opposition in many CEGEPs in Quebec, such as UQAM and Vieux-Montreal. Upon hearing about the fate of the penny, the schools’ student bodies decided to fill a room with the closest red-clad students they could find, and immediately voted to go on unlimited student strike. “[Lots of French words, probably speaking about how unfair life is and how the government destroys lives,]” explained an UQAM representative. “We want our graduates to continue receiving tips at the coffee shops they work at, and pennies are an integral part of those tips.”

Considering these arguments, and the fact that we want McGill to stay as far away as possible from UQAM, the Chronicle believes that to keep the penny in circulation would be utterly cents-less. Apart from the fact that minting the penny leaves the government $11 million poorer every year, nobody actually likes having pennies in their pockets. Nobody likes having pennies in a jar either, and a penny for your thoughts is too cheap when you consider what we McGill students go through to obtain a McGill diploma. So, Mr. Harper, the Tribune lauds you for your efforts to destroy the penny in order to save the Canadian economy. You are a dime a dozen.