Upon inspection of her on-campus walk-in closet, following the sixth-floor occupation of the Community Square Building, Principal XYZ noticed that eight of her designer pantsuits were missing. XYZ retaliated by occupying the offices of this (fake) newspaper, located at the underpass of l’Autoroute 720 near Chemin Glen.
The principal arrived unannounced, physically assaulting the garbage can/security guard of the offices. The garbage can was unavailable for comment. According to the single L720C staff member present at the underpass, the principal demanded the return of her pantsuits. She offered a hand-knit scarf in return.
“I don’t understand why she came here,” said the staff member, who wished to remain anonymous. “Our newspaper didn’t even exist during the occupation. We’re being unfairly targeted.”
He added that while he wouldn’t mind being banned from campus, such a ban would negatively affect samosa sales.
He did, however, sympathize with XYZ’s predicament, and then offered her some fresh samosas. XYZ declined, and sat on the pavement. After repeatedly expressing that he had no ability to return the pantsuits he didn’t have, XYZ said she would mobilize other senior administrators to sit on the pavement, too.
Tension arose when the principal realized that the underpass was a mobile phone deadzone. When the internet on the her Blackberry failed to load, she protested that her right to Internet had been violated.
“The Internet is a human right!” she exclaimed.
When asked to prioritize her demands, XYZ didn’t have to think for long.
“Free education is a human right, but I need my Armani for the board meetings. I need to show that I mean business. And that I have a great tailor.”
“She’s a lot more reasonable than people realize, but she’s also kind of unreasonable in other ways,” the L720C staffer said. “And this scarf is awesome. I always wondered what she does all day. She’s totally an expert knitter.”
Needing to get back to work, XYZ ceased occupying the underpass, although she was worried about the long-term implications of the theft.
“If this keeps up, Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) will have a huge edge on me in our rivalry for the Vogue cover,” she said as she flagged down a Green Campus shuttle, which does, indeed have wi-fi.
The L720C reporter then proceeded to fry some samosas.
