On March 27, the McGill administration released a partly-blank statement for students to use when condemning of any future scandals. An explanation accompanying the statement clarifies that after the series of recent scandals involving McGill and the Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU), the administration has decided to no longer release individual statements.

Now, if students would like the university to issue a statement condemning any future scandals, they can simply print out the statement template, and fill in the blanks with the details of the new controversy. 

“Dear Member of the McGill community,” the statement begins, “We were shocked and disappointed to hear of the recent [insert behaviour that is considered reprehensible] by [name of individual/organization here].”

The statement goes on to explain that this hypothetical offence constitutes an infringement of whichever values the university currently stands for.

“We would like to remind the community that McGill stands in steadfast support of [value or principle that this action violated], and/or strongly condemns [prejudice or misconception that this action furthered].”

When asked for comment, McGill Principal Stephanie Fournier explained that the new statement policy would save the administration the valuable time it currently spends issuing condemnations of the various missteps of its students and faculty.

“With students filling out our statements of condemnation for us, administrators will now be able to focus on more important issues facing the University.” Fournier said. “I’m personally looking forward to our project to increase the incline of University Street, and the upcoming unveiling of our memorial for Flood Girl.”

If the new statement does not solve McGill’s public relations issues, Fournier noted that she would consider releasing a statement disassociating the University from itself. 

This article is a work of satire and is part of the Joke Issue.