Badminton, Bro
At 5’4”, Percy Shuttlecoque doesn’t exactly have the ideal build for a varsity badminton player. But what he lacks in size he makes up in finesse. With an arm like a whip, Shuttlecoque can fire the birdy anywhere on theabadminton court with ease. Along with an impressive vertical leap, Shuttlecoque attributes his dominance to simple practice.
“I’m usually on the court at dawn every day, rallying with my dad or my brother,” Shuttlecoque said.
Son of badminton legend Jeremiah Shuttlecoque, Percy hopes to carry on the Shuttlecoque legacy at McGill as a redshirt freshman next year. This season, he was suspended for conduct detrimental to McBill SPOOOOOORTZ after attempting to use Marty the Martlet as his birdie.
Buffet’s Billions
Noted Creighton Fighting McBuckets fan and part-time multi-billionaire Warren Buffet made waves earlier this year when he announced that he would award $1 billion to anyone who was able to fill out a perfect March Madness bracket. Unsurprisingly no common citizen has an unscathed bracket. Every citizen except for an 83-year-old multi-billionaire from Omaha, Nebraska named Warren Buffet. However, Buffet forgot to join his own competition.
As the NCAA Tournament moves into the Final Four, Buffet has been seen pacing the offices of Berkshire Hathaway waving around a thus-far perfect bracket and loudly cursing himself much to the detriment of office morale.
Bilateral Trade Agreements
In a surprise announcement, NCAA President Mark Emmert and CIS President Leo MacPherson held a joint press conference at the scenic border town of Niagara Falls. The two collegiate athletics power brokers shocked the sporting world by announcing that the winner of the NCAA Tournament will have to face the winner of the CIS Tournament, the Carleton Ravens, in a winner-takes-all super-final to determine the North American champion. The Ravens, who won their 10th CIS Championship in 12 years, were awarded the opportunity to beat the eventual NCAA champions by virtue of their 95-82 victory against the Wisconsin Badgers in the pre-season. There were also talks to have future Vanier Cup winners play the winner of the College Football Playoff.
This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.
