Just two months after McGill unveiled plans for the new Rossy Student Wellness Hub, advertising it as a one-stop shop for all McGill healthcare services, SSMU announced plans for a competing wellness hub. McGill will now have two one-stop shops for all students’ physical and mental health needs.

“The administration aren’t students, they don’t know what we need,” an embarrassed SSMU representative, who requested anonymity in case a future employer Googled them, said. “So instead of working with them and their $14 million budget, we decided to take matters into our own hands and put students first.”

The SSMU representative was ‘really excited’ for plans to expand student drinking options.

“Initially we were planning to renovate Gerts into a sort of SuWu-style café/bar. A SSMUWu, if you will,” the SSMU representative said, chuckling at their own joke. “But then we decided it would be easier if we just bought SuWu instead. Our budget is overseen by a U2 Economics student [….] He really believes that this is the best use of student money.”

SSMU plans to continue investing the gargantuan amount of money in other real estate projects.

“We’re thinking about buying up Café Campus next,” the SSMU representative said. “We know how integral Tuesday night drinking is to the McGill experience.”

The Master Plan also acknowledges SSMU’s concern for public relations. The SSMU representative said that they were one erroneous transcription of minutes away from students burning flags and breaking down their office doors. No student could be found to comment who knew where the new SSMU office was.

“Initially, we just wanted to use student money to hire a PR rep,” the SSMU representative said. “You know, a person that we could pay to make our failures look less awful to our constituents. But then we thought, ‘why not take this further?’ We could train an army of people to cover up our mistakes. This is a democracy, after all.”

When asked why SSMU had decided to open their own School of Public Relations with students’ money, the SSMU representative mumbled something about transparency. Or accountability.

SSMU’s School of Public Relations will be located in the SSMU building and is slated to open when the building is asbestos-free. Current estimates put this date at Apr. 1, 2080.