Like every other student, I thought Minerva was supposedly going to be unavailable from Friday April 1 to Tuesday April 5 because of a technical upgrade; however, I was still a bit skeptical about this official reason. Yesterday confirmed my thoughts.

I had received a call in the early afternoon from a blocked number. Since I thought it was my friend prank-calling me, I decided to answer. But from the moment I heard this voice, I knew this was no prank call. I had never heard someone who  seemed as frightened as this.. The caller, who claimed to be a current McGill student and shall be called Mr. X for reasons pertaining to anonymity, asked me with a shaky voice if I could print the truth on Minerva’s system crash. Since he was not willing to speak on the phone as he thought our phones might be tapped, I asked him where we could meet. He told me to meet him at his flat in the ghetto. I checked the weather, not knowing whether the last day of March was going to be snowy, rainy, sunny, hot or cold. Unfortunately, the weather had me put my coat and my winter boots.

After steering clear of vomit puddles and shattered beer bottles, I finally arrived to his door and rang. I waited a long time, and finally heard some footsteps. He opened the door wide enough for me too see one eye and asked me if someone had followed me. I told him that I had taken precaution.

Hesitating for a couple seconds, Mr. X invited me inside. He immediately blurted everything out.

 “I accidentally completed a course evaluation,” he said. “I got drunk last night and I remember that I was texting my ex to try to get her back. I blacked out after and I woke up with my phone showing Minerva’s message to thank me for completing my course evaluation!”

He explained to me that completing this one evaluation probably overflowed Minerva’s system, which was not prepared to get so much information.

Understanding the gravity of the situation, I asked Mr. X if he could remember additional information. He took some time to think, and he got a panic attack. 

“I think I even left some additional written comments,” he said.

 At this moment, I knew his time at McGill was over. If people were to identify him, he would become the butt of everyone’s jokes.

I called up McGill’s witness protection program (McWitSec) and asked them if they were willing to cooperate with Mr. X’s transfer to Concordia under a new identity. McWitSec told me they could only help under one condition: Mr. X had to complete his four other evaluations, this time on paper, so that McGill’s administration could finally work with student reviews.

Mr. X did not want to relive this traumatic experience. I tried to convince him but ultimately failed. He slowly breathed in and out, and told me he was going to leave for the Bahamas to finally be at peace with himself. I wished him good luck, and left the apartment. I walked up a bit and heard my name.

“Wait,”he said. “I’m going to take the deal.”

Mr. X completed his course evaluations and arranged his transfer to Concordia. He moved out from the ghetto and now turns off his router every time he goes out to drink.

Minerva is now on maintenance until April 5, and from a trustworthy source, the administration is upgrading the system to allow up to 10 course evaluations.

*This article is a work of satire and a part of our joke issue*