There’s been a ton of effort over the years towards making McBill an inclusive space, and I thought we had achieved this goal. But all of that changed the day Gerts stopped listing “Timber” on its jukebox.

I don’t know how this authoritarian operation that is the Students’ Society of McBill’s Offensive Overlords (SSMOO) got the idea into its head that it’s acceptable to deny students the opportunity to serenade a bar with the greatest single since “Crazy Kids.” But I don’t plan to just sit around waiting for another bland Sangria Wednesday while the most important issue to hit campus all year remains unresolved. Students of McBill, let this Pop Rhetoric serve as a rallying cry: you better move, you better dance, and you sure as heck better take action.

Before I tell you why we need to put an end to Timber-gate, let me share my story. A mere four years ago, I wasn’t the fun, hip, yolo-ing Chel$ea $mith that most know me as today; I was just plain old Chelsea Smith. But then, on Jan. 1, 2010, Ke$ha released Animal and my whole world changed forever. Suddenly, I didn’t want to stay home on weekends and study to get into dentistry school; instead, I was all about brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack. By June, I had legally changed my name and was voted by my high school peers as most likely to spend a night in jail. Life was good.

It got even better when I came to McBill. In first-year, I had an unforgettable experience living in Pabst Hall; for the first time, I was surrounded by the party animals that I had so desperately craved for the past eight months. Aside from getting banned from Korova’s in second-year, my time at McBill has been a non-stop sequence of making the most out of nights like I was going to die young. And above all, I was grateful for the opportunity to spend four years in an inclusive environment that claimed to support everyone’s identities—even Ke$ha acolytes like myself.

But now, my faith in SSMOO has been shaken. How am I supposed to fully express myself on campus if I can’t play “Timber” on the Gerts jukebox? Two years ago, I put up with all the mindless students who insisted on constantly playing “Call Me Maybe,” knowing that soon enough, Ke$ha would rise from the ashes like a tipsy phoenix with the next great chart-topper. Little did I know that her success would be so overwhelming that Gerts would make the executive decision to censor it altogether, rather than let it stand for the masterpiece that it is.

It hasn’t been easy finding solidarity on campus. People laugh when I tell them that I’m selling samosas in order to raise enough money to get “Timber” back on the Gerts jukebox. The only student group that’s given me any support is the Woodsmen team on the Macdonald campus, but I had to stretch the truth a bit and tell them that my “Timber” campaign would provide them with extra wood for practices. Otherwise, it’s been a lot of blah, blah, blah for nothing.

Maybe after all the fuss about bike gates, PPOP’s, and Save Gerts meetings, students are a little burnt out, but I know that we still have one last cause left in us! Let’s make this campus an inclusive space once again and stand up for the right to swing our partners round and round to the greatest song that 2014 has to offer. I’m not asking for much; just the chance to dance to “Timber” at Gerts one more time before I graduate.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.