Apparently, you have already met the person you will marry by age 21. I call bullshit. I just hit the magical number and I’ll be damned if that saying rings true because, frankly, my options are looking bleak. I have yet to meet the Prince Charming who will whisk me off to a life of white picket fences. I have existed on this planet for just over two decades, so you can bet Cupid’s perky little toosh that I have the battle scars to show for it. There was that “engagement” once-with diamond ring and all-but other than that, what have I got? Only a case full of stale penned sweet-nothings and crumpled up plans for two, forever cast away to the confines of a Pegabo shoebox. Whenever I go through the box, expired feelings are roused as I flip casually through pictures that once meant so much. And I ask myself… what, if anything, do my exes have in common? How do people go about seeking partners?
The esteemed Panthea Institute of Over-analysis, in association with the Panthea Foundation of Procrastination, proposes two schools of thought with regard to this puzzle: the objective theory and the subjective theory.
The objective approach states that when we go on the prowl, we are searching for an ideal. How is this chimera fashioned? Extensive empirical studies show that, for girls my age, it may be from reading too many Seventeen articles and watching too many hold-me-while-I-swoon-they’re-so-cheesy-but-my-XX-chromosomes-forbid-me-to-turn-away chick flicks that are mandatory at any respectable eighth grade slumber party. Conversely, in the male mind, one would perhaps find a vixen whose foundation was laid when dad’s treasure trove of naughty ‘zines was discovered and he got that first good tingly feeling in that bad place. Of course, honesty, sense of humour and trustworthiness also spring to mind but “inner beauty” is a tricky domain that the Institute has yet to wrap its shallow head around.
And so we scour our habitat to seek out “the one.” The ones we take a chance on are those possessing a relatively high number of the attributes sought. Of course, sometimes we falter, placing these prospective lovers under a guise most often created by beer goggles.
There is also the subjective theory, which states that we start with a blank slate and it is merely by trial and error how we find our mate. It is after accumulating numerous bumps and bruises that we learn who we are and what we like. Let’s say you had serious communication problems with your last girlfriend Olga-it is unlikely you will take the Russian mail-order bride route again. Very profound, indeed.
Most people use a combination of the two tactics. They start out striving for Mr. or Ms. Perfect, and eventually, as a citizen of the real world, you learn that unless you are Jennifer Aniston, you are not going to get Brad Pitt, and vice versa.
Though, presently, our findings are inconclusive, the Institute will continue to pioneer groundbreaking studies into the murky field of courtship. First stop: Le Swimming. Hypothesis: The opposite sex will react positively to short skirts and dirty dancing. Ah, the things I do in the name of science.
