There goes one. Oh, and another—and another. Sorry, don’t mind me, I’m just sitting on the benches outside McLennan counting the number of McGill students dressed like extroverted, self-obsessed melons. 

Have you noticed McGill students have this rather psychotic fixation on dressing uniquely? Well, of course you have. The pathway through Redpath is practically a catwalk for Eva B hippie zombies to flaunt their new ‘unique’ look. 

In our fight to stay original, we’re quickly led into the realm of the ridiculous. Wacky adornments, with little actual value, become the new norm. And each week there’s a new one: Oversized jackets? Because who needs clothes that actually fit? Silly hats with fur on the outside? Because the warmth of fur on the inside is so cliche. Woolly leg warmers? These are basically woolly sweaters for your calves. And before you butt in—no, this phase will age like milk. 

Without question, though, the worst I’ve heard was recently in Redpath Café: “T-shirts are the new dresses.” Yep, that will do me. Pour me a drink and bash me over the head with the bottle. 

First off: No, they’re not. Because if they were, they’d be, well, they’d just be dresses, wouldn’t they? And second: If t-shirts are dresses today, what’s next? Skirts as t-shirts tomorrow? Socks as earmuffs the week after? Enough. E-fucking-nuf. This obsession with dressing uniquely has all gone a bit HBO. We need to pack it in. We need a uniform.

What we choose to wear is not just a reflection of who we are, but who we think we are. So, judging by our outfits, we think we’re fucking idiots.

Look, I sympathize with you. I do. The only thing more frustrating than trying to dress uniquely and looking like a total twit is purposefully dressing like one, and then arriving on campus only to find someone else dressed in the exact same twitty outfit. And I admit, I have my moments of inspiration, too. Some days I might even dress like I’m actually happy. But it’s so much effort. 

A school uniform solves these problems. No longer will we have to spend hours in the morning deciding which hat goes with our coat. We won’t have to worry about our parents raising an eyebrow at our latest ‘phase.’ It will make McGill students even more visible to the local community, so our good deeds don’t go unrecognized—if there are any, of course.

School uniforms will let us focus on the more important issues. Instead of showing our uniqueness through accessories, we can show it by distinguishing ourselves through standardized exams. We will also have more time to raise the issues that matter outside of the classroom. God forbid, we could start voicing our opinions and participating in student and local elections! 

It isn’t just about what a school uniform does directly, but also what it represents. Was it not the great Gandhi who said, “College kids in Canada really ought to have a uniform. They’re 7,500 miles away, and they’re still pissing me off!” 

By enforcing conformity, we can take our distracting narcissistic traits out of the equation, at least for now. At least until we stop thinking our calves need sweaters. 

FAQ

Why do you personally want a uniform?

I’m offended by vibrant colors. 

“But my own clothes are more comfortable!!?” 

Do you think Margaret Thatcher wore sweatpants? 

What’s in it for McGill?

A profitable uniform shop. The profits can be reinvested into our community, like buying all the Deans a Porsche so they can get to school faster. 

What would be the new uniform? 

I’m open to all ideas. Maybe something grey. Pitch your ideas!

How much would this new uniform cost?

If you shit money, you should be fine.