Some of you reading this title of this piece are likely having the same reaction I had upon hearing about the Montreal International Laureate Film Festival (MILF Fest): Why haven’t I heard about it before and how do I get to it? 

It’s an independent film festival, but, alas, not for //those// kinds of films. //The Plumber’s Station//, a McGill student filmmaking club, hosted the first annual MILF Fest on Jan. 8 at the prestigious Cabaret Lion d’Or. Some might critique //The Plumber’s Station// for the misleading name of the festival—to put it another way, I had to wipe my search history after buying tickets online—but true film connoisseurs appreciate the genius behind this name. Films from young creators starred in this highly exclusive event. Attendees were presented with four categories: Comedy, Horror, Drama, and Experimental. At the end, guests were invited to vote for the best film in each category and the best film overall—the MILF of the Year. All was going smoothly . . . until mysterious actors rigged the election and the MILF of the Year award was stolen from its rightful winner.

 Cultured cinephiles showed up to the event in their finest attire. Glamorous anthropology majors wearing vintage corduroy jackets sipped pomegranate martinis and discussed the Western capitalist bias of the film industry. Political science kids in turtlenecks and double-breasted overcoats staged photo shoots with their film cameras in the dusky twilight of the ballroom. Hushed conversations speculated about which films would impress and which would fall flat. But none could have possibly foreseen the bald-faced fraud that truly occurred as an illegitimate film stole the election, much like Joe Biden stole the White House in 2020.

Everyone in the crowd held their breath as the announcers began the awards ceremony, which started innocently enough. The films //L’Appartement d’à Côté//, //The Talking Stage//, //Mr. Peanut//, //Après Aujourd’hui//, and //Gobbits// won in the Short Film, Comedy, Horror, Drama, and Experimental categories respectively. But this is when the deep-state actors (Big MILF) enacted their vile plan to interfere in the election: MILF of the Year was awarded to //Duct Tape//, a 15-second experimental film shot on an iPod Touch showing a young fashion diva duct-taped to a wall repeating the phrase “Duct tape is the new cashmere.”

Outrage! The audience was too stunned to speak. The director went up to accept the award and before anyone could put an end to the charade, it was over and the ushers were shooing us out of the ballroom. This blatant display of anti-democratic chicanery, this violent coup d’état, this vile plot to strip the MILF of the Year award from the true best film (//Gobbits//, in my opinion) harkens back to that time when Beijing Biden and his crew of coastal elite Democrats committed massive voter fraud to take the presidency from Donald Trump.

//Gobbits// was a fan-favourite to win MILF of the Year. This ingenious film delved into the void that is the human psyche and examined the meaning of life. In five short scenes, it presented the exploits of surrealist creatures faced with the absurdity of existence: being, knowing, substance, cause, identity, time, and space. The animation was seamless, the music deeply moody, the execution immaculate—a gem. The crowd went wild as // Gobbits //was presented with Best Experimental Film, and the 10-minute standing ovation had to be cut short by the event coordinators, who were probably already busy stuffing the ballot boxes so their candidate could run away with the election. In the last minutes before the results were announced, massive dumps of fraudulent votes were recorded (mostly coming from the sociology and GSFS majors, if you catch my drift) and //Duct Tape// snatched the win from //Gobbits//. //Duct Tape// didn’t even win a category, so how could it have won the whole festival? Riddle me that, liberals.
All in all, the festival was pretty fun. To all the aspiring filmmakers out there, this festival is your chance to shine. I’m considering participating too. I just have to think up the perfect MILF (movie I’d like to film).