Start by forgetting about writing a story. If you think you’re going to write a story, you’ll just end up disappointed. Don’t imagine characters as you spoon your Muesli in the morning. Don’t draw up a setting while sitting in the back of ECON 232, and especially don’t try to come up with a plot as you walk home alone, intoxicated on you don’t know quite what, at three in the morning. You’re not going to write a story.

You are not a writer. Writers write every day. Writers work at writing. Writers think about writing. What are you thinking about? Your girlfriend broke up with you last month; you spent far too much money this weekend; the French chick in the next row is pretty cute; your stomach is telling you it’s lunchtime. You’re not a writer. You’re a student, living on your parents’ dime, with nice-sounding hopes and dreams.

You must think you are special, that you have something blindingly true to share with the world, that you can reveal the beauty under the surface of everyday life, that you can transform and heal people. You are self-important. Nobody else was going to tell you. Give up your delusions of grandeur, even if you can’t admit you have them—because you do.

You have so many more important things to do besides writing a story. Everything in your life is more important. It’s more important that you do your laundry, that you wish your mother a happy birthday, that you apologize to the friend you’ve been avoiding since you got a little too drunk and spilled red wine on her expensive blouse. You need to get over your ex-girlfriend and stop masturbating to the pictures of her that are still saved on your laptop. It makes you feel dirty anyways. Writing stories will solve none of these problems. Writing stories will get you nowhere in life.

You wish you were a fully-functioning human being—able to form healthy relationships, to hold a job, to be someone who doesn’t turn violent or depressed at every obstacle he encounters. These are things that take a long time, and a lot of effort; you might as well get started now. You need to go to therapy—despite your claims of an ideal childhood, you’re actually pretty messed up. Any self-help book will tell you, the first step to change is overcoming denial.

Remember the day your dog died? Your mom came to wake you up at six in the morning to tell you that she had found Zilla curled up among the hydrangeas. You hadn’t even rubbed the sleep from your eyes before you realized you had lost your best friend. Your mom just sat on the edge of your bed, in her gray sweatsuit, sobbing. You didn’t want to go to school that day, but you did anyways. You held in your tears in front of your friends, and when you came home your father asked, “How was your day?” like it was any other.

Your feelings get stuck somewhere between your chest and your throat. You need to figure out what is going on inside you. Weird is not an emotion. You don’t feel weird. Use your words. Describe how the emotion feels. Where do you feel it? What images do you associate with it? How intense is it? You will need a lot of practice. Emotions are hard to pin down, and let’s be honest, your communication skills are lacking.

Yelling is not an effective form of communication. Yelling is not relationship building. Neither is being completely silent. You need to fall somewhere in between the two. Try speaking softly; it may help to bring out your vulnerability. You need to learn to be vulnerable. Your anger is just covering up your pain, and if you don’t address it, you’re only hurting yourself, and alienating those around you.

You’re not much fun to be around, except when you’re drunk. You’re a likeable drunk. I suppose you take after your father in a way. You always preferred him after he’d had a few. Sure, he may have smacked you a couple times, but he was generally more charming, more down-to-earth, and funnier too! You knew if he was slurring his words, that it was safe to crack a few jokes at his expense. He would take it lightly. And if ever he didn’t, you knew you could get away from him. He wasn’t very quick when he was drunk.

You were a sprightly kid, full of energy. You’ve lost a bit of that now, maybe it’s the pot, but maybe it’s something else. You would never call it depression, but the symptoms are there. You’re not going to think about it unless you’re forced to. That’s not the healthy thing to do. Distracting yourself doesn’t solve your problems. Come to terms with being alone in the world; things get easier afterwards.

You don’t have real friends. You call them your friends, but you don’t really know them, and they don’t know you. It’s a friendship of convenience, because you can’t party alone. Try to have a serious conversation. Try asking them about their lives. What are your passions? What are your dreams? What does love mean to you? It scares you to even think about asking these questions. You don’t want to deal with actually getting to know someone.

You care too much about what other people think. You worry about others’ judgments. Maybe it’s because you’re so judgmental yourself. You’re constantly putting others down. Maybe it’s because you don’t like yourself. Cultivate compassion. Accept others’ faults, and maybe you’ll be able to deal with your own. Look for the source of your dissatisfaction. What do you want out of life? This is a good question to consider.

Try meeting someone new, like that French girl from your class. You should ask her on a date. It doesn’t matter that nobody goes on dates anymore—ask her anyway. Take her to a museum, or propose a walk by the river; don’t take her to dinner. It doesn’t matter how the date goes. Be present. Listen to her, even if she talks endlessly about how she hates Americans. Pretend you’re Canadian, and sympathize. Don’t try and kiss her yet, even though you want to. Tell her you don’t want to go home. Walk with her towards her house, but don’t push the matter. When she tells you that her roommates are gone, don’t say anything; keep walking.

Kiss her when she sits next to you on the living room couch. Put your hand on her neck—she’ll like that. Let her take off your shirt. You weren’t expecting this, but go with it anyways. You want each other. Your mind is racing, everything is moving so fast. You’re not sure if you’re ready for this. Your ex keeps haunting your thoughts; you can’t concentrate; you can’t get an erection. Why is this happening? Just breathe.

Don’t accept the offer to spend the night. Revel in your post-coital glow. You may not feel this good for another year. Don’t worry about how you performed, or if she had an orgasm. These things are not important. Buy yourself a sandwich and take it home with you. Eat it slowly; savour it. This is the best sandwich you have ever tasted.

Call your father for the first time in two years. You still know his cell phone number by heart. Pretend it’s just a casual conversation. Talk about politics. Talk about the weather. Let him ask you the difficult questions: “What was it like growing up with me?” Answer honestly, even though you want to lie. Tell him he how he hurt you. Don’t try and fill up the silence, just listen to his breathing.

Look through the journal you kept as a teenager. Make the effort to read every word, even though the handwriting is messy. Cry over your high-school girlfriend. It’s okay, nobody will ever know. Remark how good it feels to have let it out. Decide that you will keep a journal from now on. You won’t write in it every day, or even every week, but every so often you’ll scribble something worth remembering in those yellow pages.

Call the girl from your class. You’ve been thinking about her non-stop. You know you’ll fall for her, but you can’t admit it to yourself just yet. Just call her and ask her what she’s doing that night. She’ll say she’s busy. That’s okay. You weren’t expecting her to be free anyways. Try to remember what she smelled like—sunscreen and honeysuckle.

Realize how full your life is.
Realize how full it has always been, but that the difference is your attitude. Notice small things throughout the day—your reflection on a sheet of ice, or the way the couple in front of you is holding hands—feel the urge to write them down. Begin to carry a notebook with you, but forget to write in it. Smoke a joint and have a revelation; come up with the answer to life. Figure everything out, and forget about it all by morning.

Note that you’ve stopped caring altogether about your grades. Remark how much more enjoyable school has been, and that you’re still doing just fine. Realize that you actually like learning, it’s just the external control and pressure that you hate. Skip class because it’s a beautiful day. Walk somewhere you’ve never been before, and watch people as they go about their lives. Pick out someone you find particularly repulsive. Acknowledge that he’s just as fragile as you. Feel the tension release from your body. Smile at him as you walk by.

Stop for a minute on your way home. It doesn’t matter where, just stop and stand still. It makes you anxious because you have so much to get done: finals aren’t far away, you promised your friend you’d go to his show, there’s that writing assignment you’ve been putting off, and you still have to eat. You don’t want to do any of that. You want to share the beauty you see in overweight men; you want to inspire people to confront their fears; you want to be somebody’s saviour. Forget about what you have to do. You are writing a story.

The Tribune has published a number of articles in the how-to series this year. They have all been very helpful and for that you are welcome. One problem, however, with a lot of these articles is that they require wearing clothes. But, how do you get dressed? Here’s how:

First, wake up. While waking up, make sure you stay true to yourself and commit to your goals. There’s nothing worse than letting yourself down and with such a difficult task, you need make sure you remain faithful to your own heart. For the purposes of this article, you need to make sure you’re not wearing your day clothes while sleeping; That would just be cheating.

Next, get out of bed. It will be difficult to get dressed if you stay in bed all day. At this point, if you were wearing pajamas, you need to take those off. Be careful not to put your clothes on over your pajamas, you’ll overheat during the day and could faint in the middle of that big budget presentation.

If you feel like it, take a shower. For help on this, see the Tribune’s previous how-to on showering.

Before you try putting on clothes, you should make sure you’re fueled for the day, so have some breakfast. But before you go to the kitchen, consider putting on some pre-clothes—clothes you wear before you get dressed. Otherwise, feel free to eat your breakfast naked, but this might not be welcoming if it’s cold outside and you don’t have proper insulation.

Once you find your kitchen, which can be a daunting task in itself, decide what you want to eat. Once again, make sure you commit yourself to your decision. Breakfast is among the three most important meals of the day, so don’t screw it up. Also, for sustainability, use candlelight instead of electric lighting while making your meal.

Once your belly is full, head back to your room or your walk-in closet—wherever you store your clothes. Now you need to decide what to wear. Look out the window and see what other people are wearing. This will help you get a sense of what the temperature is like. You will also see what other people are wearing so you can make sure you don’t wear the same outfit, which would be embarrassing.

Next, throw open your closest doors and put some clothes on. Then take them off because you were wrong in your outfit choice. Put other clothes on and start your day.

March is mad for many reasons. In addition to college basketball and extreme weather variations, this is the time when many of us suddenly realize there are only a few weeks left in the semester. If you’re anything like the general population, chances are slim that you’ve kept your New Years resolutions. What happened to studying every day, to exercising a few times a week, and to balancing school and fun? Don’t despair. With guidance the past 20 years of research in social psychology, you can set more effective goals for yourself and have a better chance of being that person you wanted to be in January.

Choosing your goals

Choose wisely. Think about why you chose the goals you did in January. A long tradition of research in self-determination theory by Ed Deci and Richard Ryan, Ken Sheldon, and Richard Koestner shows that we are more likely to succeed if we are motivated to engage in these activities because we personally want to. If you only want to reach your goal to impress your parents or to make a lot of money, you should  reconsider and find reasons to pursue it for yourself.

You should also ask yourself if your goals would help you fulfill your three basic psychological needs: feeling competent, feeling connected to others, and feeling autonomous.

Approaching your goals

Think about how you frame your goal. Are you trying to do something, or not to do something? Research suggest you are more likely to succeed at the former.

Next, think about how you will go about achieving your goals. One of the main mistakes people make is to set vague goals with unclear plans for achieving them. Say you want to do well in school. What does “doing well” mean to you—getting a 4.0, or just the feeling that you gave your best effort? Setting a specific distant goal for yourself and deciding on a few short-term, proximal goals as stepping stones can help you get to that distant goal.

What happens when things inevitably go wrong? Peter Gollwitzer’s research at NYU suggests that if we formulate an “implementation intention,” our chances of reaching our goals increase almost exponentially. Using an implementation intention, you can predict certain obstacles that may occlude your path to goal achievement and plan accordingly­—for example, “If I get too tired to continue studying, then I will drink copious amounts of coffee.” Simple statements are actually shown to make corrective behaviou0r or thoughts almost automatic.

Don’t think about your goals as an all-or-nothing pursuit. Research on dieters at the University of Toronto shows that if you cheat slightly on your diet or miss a night of studying, you have not necessarily failed at your goal. Instead, this can be a learning opportunity.

You can do it!

Know that you can achieve your goals. An extensive line of research demonstrates that this confidence  leads us to exert more effort, focus our attention more, and be optimistic in the face of obstacles. You can do this by recalling previous experiences when you mastered a similar goal, thinking about role models, and making sure you have achievable short-term goals to boost your feelings of efficacy.

Goal-setting is a great way to examine your priorities and focus on what matters to you. Remember that you’re not in this alone, so seek support from friends and family to get you through. However, you must be internally motivated. In the immortal words of Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try.”

koolcampus.wordpress.com

Sucker Punch is the kind of movie that will satisfy only the most hardcore action-fantasy film buffs, and alienate almost all others. The film was written, directed, and produced by Zack Snyder, who is best known for directing such graphic novel hits as 300 and Watchmen. Sucker Punch seems to be headed the way of Watchmen—panned en masse but lauded by a devoted few.  

The major flaw of Sucker Punch is its plot. The storyline attempts to go the way of an Inception– or Shutter Island-type psychological thriller, but instead it’s a weak excuse for Snyder’s action sequences. We are introduced to our heroine, the bleached-blonde beauty Baby Doll (Emily Browning) in a long, dialogue-less sequence in which we learn that her villainous stepfather has committed her to an insane asylum. This situation doesn’t last long, as she quickly escapes to a different mental realm—a mob-owned brothel where she is to be sold off in less than a week. Baby Doll befriends four other doomed girls with equally quirky nicknames, and they form an escape plan. This is where it gets tricky. Baby Doll develops some kind of superpower that manifests in the form of an entrancing dance. While Baby Doll dances, she imagines fighting for her life in a fantasy realm, and her gang is able to retrieve the items they need to escape.  

These fantasy sequences are the strength of the film. Snyder almost effortlessly blends Japanese, medieval, science fiction, and First World War influences in physics-obliterating fight scenes. Baby Doll is assisted by her gaggle of girls, all impossible beauties decked out in telescopic false eyelashes and corsets. They do battle with giant samurais, dragons, and alien robots. One thing is certain: Snyder is nothing if not imaginative. The art direction, cinematography, and choreography work seamlessly to provide thrilling action, and are bolstered by a powerful soundtrack, including work by Browning herself.  

Sucker Punch is worth a watch for the select few who are excited by the idea of First World War-era clockwork robot zombie soldiers, among other mixed-and-matched villains. The visuals effects are impressive but may seem scatterbrained and overwhelming to the casual viewer. Beyond that, there is only a convoluted yet predictable plot, underdeveloped characters, and flat, sparse dialogue. The actors do a fine job considering the script—highlights are Browning as Baby Doll and Oscar Isaac as the scoundrel Blue.

Snyder’s latest work is by no means a masterpiece. But his imagination and uncompromising creative force hold great promise for a more well-rounded fantasy film down the line. In a world where the tried-and-true formula seems to dominate at the box office, originality certainly can’t go unappreciated.

blogs.commercialappeal.com

celebritywonder.ugo.com

Right now you’re probably at a crossroads. On the one hand, you’re excited about the upcoming summer’s entertainment possibilities, but on the other you’re worried that the Tribune won’t be here to guide your entertainment selection process. Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about that, so you’ll just have to keep an eye out for these three things.                      

Cowboys and Aliens

This summer promises a ton of action-packed blockbusters, and Cowboys and Aliens is sure to be one of them. Although there are a number of exciting movies based on comic books coming out in the next few months (Thor, X-Men: First Class, Captain America: First Avenger) and a number of good-looking sequels (The Hangover 2, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II), I’m especially excited for the July 29 release of Cowboys and Aliens. Not only does it feature a sweet cast with the hunky Daniel Craig, the smoking Olivia Wilde, the rugged Harrison Ford, and strangely appealing Sam Rockwell, but it kind of sounds like a movie script that was pitched by a third grader talking about his two favourite things. Cowboys and Aliens will also feature the classic feel-good story of cowboys and their Native American enemies teaming up to fight a horde of invading aliens with plans to enslave everyone in sight. With that kind of story, how can you not see it?

Memphis Beat

With Mad Men on hiatus until March 2012, you’ll need something to entertain yourself during all your free time this summer. Though summer television can often be disappointing, Memphis Beat is what you might call “easy-watching” programming. This crime drama rarely gets too intense, and most of the storylines feature fun subplots that make the show attractive. Jason Lee stars as good ol’ country detective Dwight Hendricks, who plays the Memphis Blues in his spare time. After a solid 10 episodes in the first season, the second season will start on June 14 and will hopefully deliver the same appealing mixture of head-scratching cases and entertaining hijinks.

Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi: Rome

Music is difficult to predict too far in advance, but Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi’s new album, Rome, is something you should keep in mind this summer. Danger Mouse is well known for both his solo work and his Gnarls Barkley collaboration with Cee-Lo Green, but he’s an all-around great producer and songwriter whose also worked with acts like Gorillaz and Beck. Less is known about Italian composer Daniele Luppi, except that he has a sweet mustache and has apparently produced some good stuff. Two tracks from the album are already available for listening online—”Two Against One,” featuring Jack White and “Black,” featuring Norah Jones—and both sound great. If you take the past success of Danger Mouse, the alluring Italian-ness of Luppi, and these two tracks as an indication of what’s to come from this album, get excited for it to drop on May 17.

Since receiving unanimous acclaim for his Kush & Orange Juice mixtape in 2009, Wiz Khalifa has quickly gone from underground notoriety to mainstream recognition. This first major label album (though officially his third overall) marks his grand entrance to the growing Top 40 pop/hip-hop genre. His breakout hit, “Black and Yellow,” and other strong singles, including “On My Level,” “Roll Up,” and “No Sleep,” are party anthems of surprising simplicity. The hooks and melodies use a unique mixture of half-rapping and half-singing with lyrical shallowness that’s consistent with any other mainstream, weekend-friendly track. We’ve heard it all before: a rapper blows his cash, drinks his champagne, smokes more than Cheech and Chong, and knows your girl better than you do. Yet his attitude is friendly and his delivery harmless. Perhaps those are the only two qualities that spare him from some otherwise deserved comparisons to Soulja Boy.

As catchy as all the songs are, they’re disposable insofar as any one of them could have been scrapped from the project without affecting the overall feel of album. Rapping deep just isn’t Wiz’s style, and he might not even be capable of doing it convincingly if he tried. For Wiz, rapping in platitudes sounds much more sincere than attempting to be deep. Rolling Papers is a catchy pop album, but that’s about it.

alarmpress.com

Fresh from the release of their first LP, Native Speaker, Braids is just finishing up the final leg of a North American tour. With a handful of shows scheduled over the next week in Canada and the U.S., Braids is set to play the tour’s final gig on Friday at La Salla Rosa in Montreal. They will be opening for experimental songwriter Toro Y Moi, with Maryland-based electro-pop outfit Adventure.

“We’re going to be touring a lot this year,” says Katie Lee, the band’s keyboardist, vocalist, and McGill student. (Three of the band’s four members attended McGill.) “We’re going to Europe two times, once in May and once in June and July, and then we’re doing a headlining North American tour from September onwards.”

Despite plans to tour in Australia and Japan in the near future, the possibility of a second album is also on the band’s mind. Braids’s first album garnered positive reviews across the board. Compared favourably to Feels-era Animal Collective and early Broken Social Scene records, Braids has recently gained a following in indie circles. The anticipation for a second LP is high, and when it comes to plans for the future, Braids has a lot on their plate.  

“Hopefully during the breaks when we’re back in Montreal, [we’ll start] writing some new material, and then hopefully early next year start writing a new album.”

In the meantime, she says that they might release a 7-inch with their Canadian label later this year. Although the second album is still far away, the band is excited about a few new tracks they’ve been working on.

“There’s a new song we wrote called ‘In Kind,'” Lee says. “It’s not on the album. It’s a very fun song to play. It’s fresh, it’s different, and there’s a section where I can bob my head up and down for three minutes. We usually play that song last, so if you come to the show you’ll probably recognize it.”

On Native Speaker, Braids channels a dreamy post-rock vibe. With most tracks running over five minutes in length, the mood evoked by the album reflects the band’s long and patient songwriting process. Their method seems to be more organic then planned.

“Someone comes up with an idea, either that’s a riff or a lyrical idea, and it ends up sounding like a big ball of sound,” Lee says. “Then we rip it apart and refine it some more.”

While the group started off as a live band, they’ve since taken a different direction. For the second album, Braids will aim to challenge themselves in a variety of ways.  

“[Our influences] are much different than they were on Native Speaker,” Lee says. “Right now we’re getting really into the whole minimal techno scene. A lot of our newer stuff is more reflective of that.” She cites British producer Gold Panda as an example of one of the influences the band is currently exploring.

With all of their recent action, it’s easy to see why Braids has been labelled an “up-and-coming” band. The group’s musical evolution is obviously driven by a deep-seated desire to be challenged and engaged. This orientation is reflected in their music and in the intensity they bring to live shows that will make them a memorable part of the Canadian independent scene.

Braids play La Sala Rossa with Toro y Moi on April 8 at 8 p.m. Tickets start at $13.50.

damonwise.blogspot.com

As a wave of revolutions sweep the Middle East, Rachid Bouchareb’s Outside The Law arrives in North America at an important time. The film relates the traumatic experience of the movement for Algerian colonial independence, anchoring its viewers in both French and Algerian settings.

Outside the Law is the tale of three Algerian brothers and their mother, set in the midst of the Algerian Revolution in 1950. The bloody rebellion against French colonial forces has chased the three brothers from their land, separating them from their mother. One brother, Abdelkader, leads the movement for Algerian independence from Paris. The next, Saïd, makes money in dingy Parisian boxing clubs. The third brother, Messaoud, is engaged fighting French forces in Indochina. Their diverse destinies are inextricably tied around the love they share for their mother.

The historical context of the film is secondary to the story of the family. According to Bouchareb, the movie is meant to be understood as a North African western. He emphasizes the artistic and cinematographic dimensions over the political statement, aspiring to the cinematic stylings of a Sergio Leone. Generally fast paced and clean cut, the director uses mainly Americanized techniques that stray from the stereotypical independent political movie.  

Political and historical controversy aside, however, Outside the Law is somewhat tacky. The film is very Manichean and the style it aspires to just doesn’t work in a North African context.

Jamel Debbouze, who plays Saïd, is famous for his one-man comedy skits in France, but is hardly credible as a heart-wrenching Algerian kid. Not completely involved in the revolution, Saïd is interested in business and boxing and serves as the family intellectual—which is somewhat difficult to believe. However, Roshdy Zem and Sami Bouajila (Abdelkader and Messaoud, respectively) more effectively portray characters with depth and dexterity.

Ultimately, the film takes a very critical stance toward French colonialism and portrays Frenchmen in Algeria much like the German Gestapo. This has provoked controversy among French conservatives who see the film as a distortion of history. However, at the press conference given at the Cannes film festival, the director and actors stressed that the focus should be on artistic performances rather than on the exact historical facts that may or may not relate to what happened in the heat of a revolution for independence.

While the director re-entered the debate about his cinematographic intentions, the film crew did not seem entirely dissatisfied with the controversy, as it gave Outside the Law some much-needed publicity going into summer movie season.