Latest News

McGill, News

McGill Residences face COVID-19 surge as preventative measures loosen up

by Sabrina Nelson on

More in McGill:

Between March 20 and 26, McGill reported 473 COVID-19 cases on campus, an increase of 330 from the previous week. Along with the rise in cases, many preventative measures are being lifted by both the Quebec government and McGill. After the province disabled the vaccine passport application, McGill announced it would drop vaccine passports at McGill starting March 28, and that all in person final exams would go ahead as scheduled. Starting April 1, McGill will also be consolidating rapid testing in residences into a single site at Carrefour Sherbrooke. Previously, there were four sites—Carrefour Sherbrooke, New Residence Hall, McConnell Hall, and Macdonald Campus Laird Hall—and rapid testing was only available for symptomatic students living in residence.

On the McGill subreddit, students and floor fellows living in residences have expressed concern regarding the sudden increase in cases and the lack of preventative action taken by the university. Christian Tonnesen, vice-president floor fellow, suspects that the number of cases reported by McGill is not representative of the actual number of COVID-19 cases within the campus community, noting that students often do not inform McGill of their positive test results. 

“I have had many floor fellows approach me and let me know that they suspect, and/or have often been told, that a majority of their students have COVID-19, or have been in close contact with someone who does have it,” Tonnesen wrote in an email to The McGill Tribune. “It strikes me as ironic that for an institution that was very hardline on COVID-19 and took many precautions regarding isolating students and relocating them last year, to have them throw up their hands and say, ‘Welp, we tried, but there are not enough rooms. Good luck everyone.’”

Nina McConnell, a U1 Economics student living in New Residence, approves of McGill’s management of the new wave. For her, tight restrictions at the start of the year, like visitor limits, made socializing difficult and felt arbitrary at times. 

“​​I appreciate the loosening up of the restrictions even despite what’s going on,” McConnell said. “There was a period when it was a little scary when they were out of isolation rooms in residence, but other than that I think they’ve been handling it pretty well. We still need to mask, we still go down to the dining hall and are distanced. But I think, overall, it’s better to manage it this way than to have the extremely tight restrictions that were happening at the beginning of the year when there were less cases.” 

Dr. Anne Gatignol, a professor in the Department of Medicine at McGill, believes that loosening restrictions will increase contamination, which she believes is inevitable at some point. Nevertheless, given that so many students have been contracting COVID-19, Gatignol encourages students to take precautions to protect themselves against the new variant and other respiratory infections. 

“If you remove the mask, you increase the circulation of all respiratory viruses, and we already see an increase in flu and colds due to many other viruses,” Gatignol said. “As SARS-CoV2 Omicron BA.2 variant circulates and is more contagious than the original Omicron, it would be much better to keep masks on most of the time when distancing is not possible. It would protect against COVID, but also against the flu and other respiratory infections.”

Frédérique Mazérolle, media relations officer at McGill, wrote to the Tribune that McGill had revised its protocols in residence to support student safety in light of the recent spike in COVID-19 cases in Quebec. She explained that appropriate measures will remain in place, and that McGill will remain vigilant as the pandemic evolves. 

“We urge students that test positive to continue isolating in their rooms and to report their test results to the McGill Case Management group. In the event that our self-isolation rooms reach capacity, and in order to accommodate all students in residence, a new room may be temporarily assigned if necessary,” Mazérolle wrote. “If there is increased demand in the future for rapid testing in residences, we will ensure that testing is ramped up to meet capacity.”

Tonnesen believes that the current measures McGill has implemented to tackle the surge are insufficient. As a result, he explained, floor fellows have had to work with students to create their own COVID-19 safety measures as best as they can. 

“Since McGill is failing to act, there are groups of students and floor fellows in residences with shared bathrooms who have had to do the work McGill hasn’t, such as creating ‘COVID’ and  ‘NON-COVID’ sinks and bathrooms in residences with shared facilities or organizing food delivery,” Tonnesen wrote. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say McGill has weighed the pros and cons and decided that the COVID disaster in residence will hopefully pass with minimal media coverage and is therefore not worth the financial cost of ensuring the bare minimum safety requirements for students and floor fellows.”

McGill, News

Tribune Explains: Winter 2022 exams amid sixth wave of COVID-19

by Joseph Pappas on

More in McGill:

McGill’s Winter 2022 final exams will take place in a hybrid format from April 13 to 29, amid increasing COVID-19 cases and waning restrictions. Experts say that Quebec is officially in a sixth wave fuelled by the highly contagious BA.2 subvariant, a trend evident in McGill’s rising case numbers. At the same time, Quebec is standing by its plan to end restrictions and begin “living with the virus.” McGill, for its part, has rolled back measures like the vaccine passport and strict isolation for those who test positive in residences. The McGill Tribune looked into the updated exam procedures that students can expect for Winter 2022 exams.

What are the distancing and masking guidelines for exam rooms?

Students are required to wear masks for the entirety of their exams. According to Frédérique Mazerolle, McGill media relations officer, “Ventilation in exam rooms has been verified based on room capacities. In some cases, rooms are at reduced capacity based on ventilation assessments.” Mazerolle emphasized that members of the McGill community can feel safe writing in-person final exams due to these ventilation measures, as well as McGill’s over 96 per cent vaccination rate, as of April 2022. 

What should students do if they test positive for COVID-19 before an exam?

Just like the Fall 2021 semester, students are directed to fill out the COVID-19 accommodation form and isolate for the required five-day period if they test positive. Those who test positive may not attend in-person exams, and should seek alternate accommodations including deferred exams or supplemental exams when necessary. Students should also report any COVID-19 cases to McGill’s Case Management Group.

What are the accommodations available to students who cannot attend an in-person exam?

Those who cannot go to in-person exams, for any reason, are encouraged to email their instructors to explain their situation as soon as possible. Students can also apply for deferred exams, approvals for which are not always guaranteed and are evaluated on a case-by-case basis. While the university continues to offer accommodations for health-related issues, according to the dean of students, online exams will not be offered as an alternative to in-person exams when students are unable to attend, so students should plan to be in Montreal for any in-person exams.  

Are accommodations available for students with ongoing health issues?

According to Robin Beech, McGill’s dean of students, students with ongoing health issues are expected to have already completed the COVID-19 Academic Accommodations Request Form on Minerva, and to have sent the relevant medical documentation to the Office of Students with Disabilities. For immunocompromised students who have not yet filled out the accommodations form, it is recommended to contact the Office of the Dean of Students as soon as possible.

Mazerolle maintained that McGill has learned to quickly adapt to the changing circumstances of the pandemic, and that the health and well-being of the community remain the university’s top priorities.

The dean of students, Robin Beech, encourages students with questions regarding final exams or COVID-19 procedures to reach out to his office at [email protected]. Additionally, students should report their COVID-19 cases directly to McGill’s Case Management Group at 514-398-2920.

Student Life

Exam-season survival guide

by Jackie Lee on

More in Student Life:

If there’s one thing we can learn from Montreal’s frigid winters, it’s that they always beget spring; a period of stasis, then, is essential for growth. As we enter a new season—as well as exam season—remember that amid the hustle culture of academia, rest itself is a radical act of resistance. To help you prioritize your well-being during this transitional period, the Tribune has compiled a list of simple reminders. Though they may seem obvious, they are important to remember nonetheless.  

  1. Always ask for an extension 

Asking for extensions can be anxiety-inducing. If you’re feeling too ashamed or intimidated to reach out, just remember: Professors and TAs are people too. In reaching out, even just to check in, you’re giving others the opportunity to help you. Many are happy to accommodate students or compromise on deadlines to an extent. There’s no need to trauma-dump in your email—keep it simple and polite. Outline briefly where you’re struggling and offer a time frame or plan that would allow you to complete the work in full. If the deadline is imminent, consider requesting an incomplete, or K grade—an alternative option of which many professors aren’t aware. Since they do not impact your GPA, K grades are a good last resort if completing a course is just out of reach. Get in contact with your professor ASAP to iron out the details.

  1. Get enough sleep 

With academic and personal schedules that can stretch late into the night, cordoning a full eight hours for sleep can seem unattainable. But a good-night’s rest is essential to your well-being. Ask yourself if ratcheting up sleep debt is worth it: Sleep deprivation will impact your mood and productivity, and can seriously compromise your health. Some studies even suggest that it can take up to four days of adequate rest to make up just one hour of lost sleep. Yikes!

Resting will only improve your GPA in the long term. Instead of powering through the week and hibernating all weekend, try to wake at a consistent time and take short naps to supplement the rest (ha)—but remember not to nap too close to bedtime, and be sure to set an alarm to avoid the dreaded nap hangover. Classes are ending; so too are any dreaded 8:30 a.m. lectures. Try switching up your studying to align not with your academic time table, but your body’s schedule. If you’re most productive at night, don’t feel pressured to be an early bird. No matter your specific chronotype, at the end—ish—of the day, just sleep. 

  1. Normalize having “you time”

“Live in the moment” is an adage that rings closer to a tired cliché belonging on a Forever-21 T-shirt than actionable advice. Yet it still holds true: There is more to life than non-stop hustle. Between exam cramming or paper bullshitting, there still exists slow, quiet moments to appreciate. Try your best to set aside breaks for yourself without screen time. Although there’s nothing easier than mindlessly scrolling, you’re likely to feel more guilty than invigorated in the end. Consider spending a study break engaging in an activity you’ll feel accomplished in completing: Listen to a new playlist on a walk; cook a hearty meal; bake a tasty treat. If you’re tight on time, clearing your mind can be as simple as breathing mindfully. Practicing mindfulness techniques can also prove helpful in calming yourself down if any mid-exam panic begins to set in. 

  1. And remember: Don’t define yourself by your work

Being invested in studying is a good thing—that passion is precious. However, defining your self-worth by the quality or quantity of your work can destabilize your sense of self when you inevitably fail to surpass your self-imposed and impossibly high standards. And if you instinctively cringed from the word “fail” in that last sentence, take a moment to reflect. Don’t be afraid of failure. External factors like scholarships or job applications can make it seem like your life hinges on your grades—but valuing a high GPA for whatever reason is not mutually exclusive to the responsibility you have to your own health. The way your work is received ultimately does not define you, and neither does a letter on a transcript. Amidst toxic attitudes in academia that your worth is tied to your work, it’s a powerful and liberating act to decide that the work you produce and the grades you receive are only but a reductive representation of you. Plus, distancing yourself from your academic performance can be healthy, actually. (Even though acing an exam is a hell of an addicting dopamine hit, we know!)

Creative, Video

McGill Psycho

by Kate Gelinas on

More in Creative:

260946387 is handsome, well-educated, and intelligent. He is twenty-seven and living his own McGillian dream. He studies by day, achieving a grade point average of 4.0.

Staff Producer Kate Gelinas documents a day in the life of a 4.0 GPA student at McGill University in this parody of Patrick Bateman’s morning routine from “American Psycho”.

Laughing Matters, Opinion

On becoming the It-Girl

by Courtney Squires on

More in Laughing Matters:

With the spring weather suddenly upon us, it is time to look wistfully forward to summer…or more specifically, the summer aesthetic. It doesn’t matter that it is barely spring, or that the spring solstice was only last Sunday—it will never be too early to start working on your bikini body! 

Luckily for you, That Influencer just uploaded their 10-minute summer body workout. Now you can sneakily do crunches beside your bed as the mind-numbing, non-copyrighted music trickles out of your Airpods—MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM! You’ll have to leap to your feet and run to the door in a shameful attempt to conceal your flimsy athletic aspirations, wondering why parents must always have the worst timing. Returning to the floor, you’ll dutifully recommence your Russian twists and reassure yourself that you’ll see results soon. Maybe you have model genetics too, they’re just recessive. 

Of course, all bodies are bikini bodies…and besides, you’re working out for your mental health, right? But on top of that, this year’s trending pieces actually only look good on a small fraction of the population. That won’t stop you from buying them though, since stores are now more inclusive than ever! Maybe you’ll try asking an employee for fashion advice. She’s ignoring you? Weird. Whatever, Aritzia is overpriced anyways. 

Though you’ve heard mixed reviews, you’ll place an order from SHEIN instead; 10 shirts for less than $100? Steal! But when you check the tracking email, you’ll be horrified. Estimated Delivery: One month! What ever happened to fast fashion? You probably should’ve paid the extra four dollars for express shipping. So because you have no clothes to wear, you’ll head down to Eva B. for some much-needed retail therapy. But don’t worry, you’re shopping sustainably. 

The feminine urge to categorize yourself for others’ consumption is overwhelming, so you’ll definitely open Pinterest, pinning inspiration for the aesthetic that’s All Yours. Remember, the It-Girl is not just an aesthetic, it’s a lifestyle. You must dress like you’re vacationing in Italy, —but make itstill weather appropriate—: Iit is only 10 degrees out. Listen to small indie artists (like Tame Impala or Mac DeMarco) that you discovered before they got popular—but also know all the popular radio ones. Workout—but not too much. Drink green juices and eat your vegetables but also be able to enjoy a burger and fries and party—in a classy way that costs more money than you currently have. 

The stress of preemptively defining your summer vibe swells, and you might decide you need a coffee, your third one of the day, but it’s okay because you’re in your Lorelai Gilmore era. As you walk to Starbucks, you’ll pass a guy who checks you out. You’ll roll your eyes and meet the lens of an imaginary camera: You’re in your Fleabag era.

As you wait for your iced white mocha latte with oat milk to be ready, the BeReal notification will ping. You’ll snap a selfie and upload it. Gotta update your friends on what you’re doing at this exact moment in time. Scrolling through: McLenny, cafe, still in bed, oh—she’s in a lecture right now. You smile at your phone. It’s fun to be so present in your friends’ lives…almost like hanging out with them. 

A text will pop up on your phone, it’s your friend. She says you guys are going out tonight. You’ll ask her the dress code and she’ll respond: Medium whore. You’ll mentally sift through your box of nearly identical tiny black tops and decide on one. Or maybe you’ll wear that one. 

And then you’ll be at the club, dancing and trying to pretend you don’t notice the guy who has been staring at your tits for the last 10 minutes. You’ll raise your phone above the crowd to snap a picture to post on your Instagram story—for how else are people going to know that you’re having more fun than they are?

Joke, Sports

Know Your Athlete: Varsity ghosts of McGill

by Madison McLauchlan, Sarah Farnand, Sophia Gorbounov on

More in Joke:

After the Athletics department brutally murdered a slew of varsity sports last fall, many athletes on these fallen teams lost their minds, some of them literally. The scores of ghostly figures haunting the entrance of Love Competition Hall, the corridors of McConnell Arena, and the bleachers at Percival Molson Stadium have become regular fixtures of the athletics scene at McGill. The McGill Tribune Sports section summoned a few otherworldly presences by seance to understand what life, or the afterlife rather, has been like for these phantom athletes. 

We first met Meathead Jones at the stroke of midnight on the thirty-yard line of the Percival Molson football field. A former member of the lacrosse team, whose varsity status was viciously struck down by McGill’s evil overlords last fall, Jones lopes around the field with crosse in hand, pantomiming—or phantomiming—the drills he used to run with his fellow teammates. 

When we spoke to him, we got the sense that Jones is totally oblivious to no longer being on this earthly plane.

“We started pretty slow this season, it’s been hard to practice with the weird hours my teammates have been keeping,” Jones said, his eyes glazed over. “And I keep popping in and out of consciousness, so it’s kinda hard to keep a good training regimen.” 

Attempts to gently explain that he had passed on to the next phase of existence were unsuccessful—we left Jones to his burpees and headed toward a shadowy figure lurking underneath the bleachers and staring daggers at us. It turned out to be none other than Jill Jockerman, former lacrosse player on the women’s team from 2009. 

“Nobody remembers us,” Jockerman spat out. “I’ve been here for years, and NOW everyone cares because it’s men’s lacrosse that got slashed. Nobody comes and visits me except that loser Meathead! I was doomed to this cursed miserable existence, and now I have to deal with THAT GUY!”

The interview came to an end when Jockerman opened her jaws wider than humanly possible and started screeching like a banshee. We made the executive decision to get the hell out of dodge and to head over to the tennis courts. 

Shnovak Shjokovic was forced into athletic retirement when the McGill Tennis team was cut from the list of varsity sports, but the revenant racket-player has found a silver lining to his new after-lifestyle: Pranks.

When we spoke to Shjokovic, who materializes every afternoon on the McGill tennis courts, he explained the ins and outs of his afternoon routine.

“I’ve really been honing in on my craft,” he said. “You know, ever since my sport got cut and they tried to make me take the ‘athlete’ out of ‘student athlete,’ I’ve really just been vibing with scaring some folks for kicks.”

Shjokovic’s favourite pranks include unforgettable classics, such as rattling the fences and letting out ghostly howls. But the tennis player emphasized his creative side, noting that his parlour of jokes has diversified significantly since the start of his japing days. In a fit of jealous rage, after hearing about the promising season the Redbirds football program was set to have, he possessed the team and led them to a 1-7 season, the worst since their 0-9 run in 2011. 

“Now I don’t want people thinking I’ve been lazy here,” Shjokovic said. “Last fall, I repainted all the lines on the courts to be slightly off, and man, were people off their game that day—it was hilarious. That wasn’t anything ghostly though, if I’m being honest. I just did it by hand. And it was actually only two courts. Trust though, hilarious.” 

It was nearing the witching hour, and Shjokovic was beginning to rattle with excitement. We let him go, and the giddy ghoul disappeared into the netting of the courts.

Laughing Matters, Opinion

Study on naked mole rats makes SHOCKING discovery (18+)

by Adam Matthews-Kott on

More in Laughing Matters:

A recent study published in Nature dived into the behavioural patterns of the naked mole rat. The 18-year study was led by Salamander Zizek, a professor in the Department of Biology at McLung University.

As with all of Zizek’s work, the paper generated a fair amount of excitement in the scientific community. Much of Zizek’s associated infamy comes from a previous failed project, where he tested the vocal range of the lyre bird by teaching them a variety of Western music hits, ranging from religious canticles to 2000s pop classics such as “Baby One More Time.” The birds remain in conservatorship for their own personal safety to this day.

Despite the controversy, Zizek was able to fund his work by piggybacking on previous findings which found that mole rats are resistant to many varieties of cancer. The funding was bestowed both by McGill and a selection of private donors including world-renowned immunologist, Dr. Bro Jogan.

Zizek sat down for an interview with The McGill Tribune alongside his pet mole rat Stuart. As the interview progressed, Stuart began periodically nibbling on Zizek’s ear lobe while emitting soft squeals of delight. I began by asking him to describe the evolution of his project.

“Overall, it was simply fascinating observing the behaviour of the naked mole rat,”  Zizek said. “Of course as any project does, we ran into some initial snags that delayed the project, but I was lucky enough to have a wonderful team which I worked with to solve the underlying issues [….] After some promising initial findings, we were able to get our party—I mean, project—back on track.”

After realizing that his team was struggling to handle the naked mole rats due to their sheer ugliness, Zizek implemented a mandatory minimum blood alcohol concentration of 0.03 per cent for researchers. The team, having overcome this one small hurdle, quickly scrambled to resolve the other issues clouding the project.

A flurry of discoveries followed, including that naked mole rats are much more at home in an environment containing Dolby surround-sound speakers and a full-size pool table.

Although the reception of the paper was predominantly positive, there were many fair criticisms levied against Zizek’s work. They felt that the paper was but a collection of pseudoscientific jargon that failed to contain any meaningful information. I must confess that I, too, was unable to pinpoint exactly what the study was about, although I chalked it up to my own lack of knowledge in the field. This confirmed my suspicion that Zizek was indeed an international man of mystery.

Within Zizek’s own team there also appears to be a small subset of dissidents. An anonymous graduate student, who wished to withhold her name out of severe mortification, told me about their experience working in the mole rat lab.

“When I first began working on the project, I was excited to do important scientific work,” the anonymous informant said. “When I first arrived, I started setting up my Excel spreadsheets, which is my favourite part of my job. Every time I copy and paste information into a spreadsheet I feel like I made the world a slightly better place.”

Their experience has disillusioned them from scientific work and academia at large.

“Another researcher saw my spreadsheets and quickly turned off my computer, explaining to me that my laptop was vibing poorly with his electromagnetic sensitivity syndrome,” they said. “I really think that the project has potential, but part of me worries that our work will be like 90 per cent of everything else that’s published—entirely useless and unlikely to be replicated.”

The situation is not entirely bleak for Zizek and his team. Only time will tell whether Zizek has added yet more meaningless gibberish to the overcrowded sphere we call knowledge, or if he has made a genuine important scientific discovery. Only time will tell.

Joke, Student Life

Cuffing season is over: Best places on campus to break up with your significant other

by Dante Ventulieri on

More in Joke:

Whether it’s the green spaces, reading rooms, restaurants, or historical architecture, there’s no shortage of places on campus to fall in love. However, when deciding where to break up with someone, things get a bit muddier. To help out with these nerve-wracking decisions, The McGill Tribune has identified the best spots at McGill to end things with your partner. 

Birks Basement

The stained glass Birks chapel and study room are among the most romantic places on campus, great for asking out your crush. The basement, on the other hand, is a decrepit network of weird hallways, mysterious rooms, and unsettling bathrooms: The perfect place to end it with your not-so-perfect other half. 

Bonus points if you both had to take your shoes off at the entrance. 

The Leacock hallway before an exam in 132 

What’s better than a quiet, one-on-one setting when you want to end things? How about a packed corridor with 600 nervous and erratic first year students. If things go poorly, you can always slowly disappear into the crowd and eat the guilt away with a box of Krispy Kreme frequently sold by tabling peers. 

Bonus points if the exam in 132 is the dumpee’s. 

In line at the hot-dog stand 

Between school, work, and hobbies, it’s always ideal to maximize your time. For years, the hot-dog cart has been your go-to place for a quick bite. Now, it just became your go-to breakup spot. The momentum of the line, the smell of the grill, and the trash-digging squirrels—what could be less endearing? At the end of it all, regardless of how the breakup goes, you can reward yourself with a hot-dog. 

Bonus points for ending it as they’re taking your order. 

During a lecture

If you share a class with your soon-to-be ex, the possibilities are endless for initiating the tragedy: At the start of class, during the powerpoint, or right at the final moments when students are asking questions—it all depends on what feels right to you. The Tribune recommends the moment when you sense the professor is about to go off on some tangent—that way you won’t have to miss any valuable material. If your ex starts hammering you about the breakup, just whisper, “Shh, I really need to pay attention.”

Bonus points if you snag the middle seats in the second row.

Quiet section of McLennan 

If you’re the type of student who rarely leaves the library during finals season, then there’s no reason to break that streak for a break up. If you want to do it right, start off by looking through the shelves for the biggest book you can find (atlases are good), then invite your partner to the library for a study date. Right as it looks like they’re getting into a good working grind, shoot them a quick message asking to break up (it’s the no-talking section), and then open the book to hide your face if need be. It’s efficient for both of you and courteous to the other library patrons. 

No bonus points on this one, I think it does enough damage. 

Lightning Round

Option 1: Post it on the MyCourses Discussion Board of a class you share.

Option 2: Urge the Provost to mention it at the bottom of the next email blast.

Option 3: Submit it to a vote in an SSMU referendum.

Option 4: Go the meta route. Show them this article and ask which they would prefer. 

an image of various astrological signs
Student Life

The April fools horoscope

by Maria Gheorghiu and Dante Ventulieri on

More in Student Life:

With the exam season—and possibly a sixth wave——and possibly a sixth wave—on the horizon, //The McGill Tribune// plots out what the stars have in store for us for us. 

Capricorn: Watch your step when you finally get up from that study spot!! You wouldn’t want to trip and fall in front of everyone at the library. Your pride won’t recover from that, it’s low enough as is.

Gemini: We know you have a great discount code for Uber Eats—and yes, Boustan does sound great tonight—but maybe focus on the $150 worth of groceries that’re molding away in the back of your fridge. 

Virgo: Don’t be afraid to //not// go to Cafe Campus this weekend. Diversity is the key to getting a classic Montreal nightlife experience, and we’re certain you’ll have more fun by doing literally anything else. 

Aquarius: We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. Next time you go see the hotdog guy, try to pay for the person behind you in an act of spontaneous kindness. Out of all you see on TikTok, whether it’s rock climbing, baking, or calligraphy, this is something you could actually pull off. Your wallet will not appreciate it, but you might make a friend. 

Scorpio: Mischief is calling your name. Next time you Mischief is calling your name. Next time you go to Birks and take your shoes off at the entrance, try leaving with someone else’s shoes. It will be a fun experiment that others will definitely appreciate.

Leo: We know you’re out of luck with love—again. We know you’re out of luck with love—again. As a funny opener for your next Tinder match, ask them to deposit $10,000 into your bank account. Chances are that they’ve heard about the Tinder Swindler and will laugh at your joke—if not, at least you’ll make some cash. 

Aries: You got 95 per cent on the midterm for some geography elective you took this semester and your confidence is immeasurable. The stars are saying that your confidence is unearned—try drawing the map of Mongolia from memory, then let us know if you still think your geography skills are superior.

Taurus: April is the month to step outside the box and be adventurous. Unfortunately for you, that means taking a Bixi to get to your finals. The commute will not be relaxing, and it might just drain all your energy, but at least the physical strain will distract you from thoughts of the impending doom of failing your exam. 

Libra: Your quest to find the perfect work-life //balance// has been fruitless at best. Seek a work-life //imbalance// instead by trying the reverse-Pomodoro: Five minutes of work, followed by 25 minutes of well-deserved scrolling. 

Cancer: It’s time to get crafty and reconnect with your artistic side. Next time you go to a house party, impress everyone by bringing home-brewed alcohol. It’s even more impressive of a power move if you bring the leftovers to class the next day. 

Sagittarius: You’re hungover after a weekend of drinking Cancer’s booze—understandable. Treat yourself to an Uber up to Stewart Bio for your 8:30 a.m. lecture. You can’t skip class; your prof will be heartbroken if they don’t see you in the crowd of 300! 

Pisces: Master of the aquatics, we think you should try going to the McGill pool every morning this week. But don’t do a butterfly stroke. Everyone in your lane will hate you if you do a butterfly stroke.  

1 … 267 268 269 270 271 … 1,363

Read the latest issue

Read the latest issue