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Laughing Matters, Opinion

On becoming the It-Girl

by Courtney Squires on

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With the spring weather suddenly upon us, it is time to look wistfully forward to summer…or more specifically, the summer aesthetic. It doesn’t matter that it is barely spring, or that the spring solstice was only last Sunday—it will never be too early to start working on your bikini body! 

Luckily for you, That Influencer just uploaded their 10-minute summer body workout. Now you can sneakily do crunches beside your bed as the mind-numbing, non-copyrighted music trickles out of your Airpods—MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM! You’ll have to leap to your feet and run to the door in a shameful attempt to conceal your flimsy athletic aspirations, wondering why parents must always have the worst timing. Returning to the floor, you’ll dutifully recommence your Russian twists and reassure yourself that you’ll see results soon. Maybe you have model genetics too, they’re just recessive. 

Of course, all bodies are bikini bodies…and besides, you’re working out for your mental health, right? But on top of that, this year’s trending pieces actually only look good on a small fraction of the population. That won’t stop you from buying them though, since stores are now more inclusive than ever! Maybe you’ll try asking an employee for fashion advice. She’s ignoring you? Weird. Whatever, Aritzia is overpriced anyways. 

Though you’ve heard mixed reviews, you’ll place an order from SHEIN instead; 10 shirts for less than $100? Steal! But when you check the tracking email, you’ll be horrified. Estimated Delivery: One month! What ever happened to fast fashion? You probably should’ve paid the extra four dollars for express shipping. So because you have no clothes to wear, you’ll head down to Eva B. for some much-needed retail therapy. But don’t worry, you’re shopping sustainably. 

The feminine urge to categorize yourself for others’ consumption is overwhelming, so you’ll definitely open Pinterest, pinning inspiration for the aesthetic that’s All Yours. Remember, the It-Girl is not just an aesthetic, it’s a lifestyle. You must dress like you’re vacationing in Italy, —but make itstill weather appropriate—: Iit is only 10 degrees out. Listen to small indie artists (like Tame Impala or Mac DeMarco) that you discovered before they got popular—but also know all the popular radio ones. Workout—but not too much. Drink green juices and eat your vegetables but also be able to enjoy a burger and fries and party—in a classy way that costs more money than you currently have. 

The stress of preemptively defining your summer vibe swells, and you might decide you need a coffee, your third one of the day, but it’s okay because you’re in your Lorelai Gilmore era. As you walk to Starbucks, you’ll pass a guy who checks you out. You’ll roll your eyes and meet the lens of an imaginary camera: You’re in your Fleabag era.

As you wait for your iced white mocha latte with oat milk to be ready, the BeReal notification will ping. You’ll snap a selfie and upload it. Gotta update your friends on what you’re doing at this exact moment in time. Scrolling through: McLenny, cafe, still in bed, oh—she’s in a lecture right now. You smile at your phone. It’s fun to be so present in your friends’ lives…almost like hanging out with them. 

A text will pop up on your phone, it’s your friend. She says you guys are going out tonight. You’ll ask her the dress code and she’ll respond: Medium whore. You’ll mentally sift through your box of nearly identical tiny black tops and decide on one. Or maybe you’ll wear that one. 

And then you’ll be at the club, dancing and trying to pretend you don’t notice the guy who has been staring at your tits for the last 10 minutes. You’ll raise your phone above the crowd to snap a picture to post on your Instagram story—for how else are people going to know that you’re having more fun than they are?

Joke, Sports

Know Your Athlete: Varsity ghosts of McGill

by Madison McLauchlan, Sarah Farnand, Sophia Gorbounov on

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After the Athletics department brutally murdered a slew of varsity sports last fall, many athletes on these fallen teams lost their minds, some of them literally. The scores of ghostly figures haunting the entrance of Love Competition Hall, the corridors of McConnell Arena, and the bleachers at Percival Molson Stadium have become regular fixtures of the athletics scene at McGill. The McGill Tribune Sports section summoned a few otherworldly presences by seance to understand what life, or the afterlife rather, has been like for these phantom athletes. 

We first met Meathead Jones at the stroke of midnight on the thirty-yard line of the Percival Molson football field. A former member of the lacrosse team, whose varsity status was viciously struck down by McGill’s evil overlords last fall, Jones lopes around the field with crosse in hand, pantomiming—or phantomiming—the drills he used to run with his fellow teammates. 

When we spoke to him, we got the sense that Jones is totally oblivious to no longer being on this earthly plane.

“We started pretty slow this season, it’s been hard to practice with the weird hours my teammates have been keeping,” Jones said, his eyes glazed over. “And I keep popping in and out of consciousness, so it’s kinda hard to keep a good training regimen.” 

Attempts to gently explain that he had passed on to the next phase of existence were unsuccessful—we left Jones to his burpees and headed toward a shadowy figure lurking underneath the bleachers and staring daggers at us. It turned out to be none other than Jill Jockerman, former lacrosse player on the women’s team from 2009. 

“Nobody remembers us,” Jockerman spat out. “I’ve been here for years, and NOW everyone cares because it’s men’s lacrosse that got slashed. Nobody comes and visits me except that loser Meathead! I was doomed to this cursed miserable existence, and now I have to deal with THAT GUY!”

The interview came to an end when Jockerman opened her jaws wider than humanly possible and started screeching like a banshee. We made the executive decision to get the hell out of dodge and to head over to the tennis courts. 

Shnovak Shjokovic was forced into athletic retirement when the McGill Tennis team was cut from the list of varsity sports, but the revenant racket-player has found a silver lining to his new after-lifestyle: Pranks.

When we spoke to Shjokovic, who materializes every afternoon on the McGill tennis courts, he explained the ins and outs of his afternoon routine.

“I’ve really been honing in on my craft,” he said. “You know, ever since my sport got cut and they tried to make me take the ‘athlete’ out of ‘student athlete,’ I’ve really just been vibing with scaring some folks for kicks.”

Shjokovic’s favourite pranks include unforgettable classics, such as rattling the fences and letting out ghostly howls. But the tennis player emphasized his creative side, noting that his parlour of jokes has diversified significantly since the start of his japing days. In a fit of jealous rage, after hearing about the promising season the Redbirds football program was set to have, he possessed the team and led them to a 1-7 season, the worst since their 0-9 run in 2011. 

“Now I don’t want people thinking I’ve been lazy here,” Shjokovic said. “Last fall, I repainted all the lines on the courts to be slightly off, and man, were people off their game that day—it was hilarious. That wasn’t anything ghostly though, if I’m being honest. I just did it by hand. And it was actually only two courts. Trust though, hilarious.” 

It was nearing the witching hour, and Shjokovic was beginning to rattle with excitement. We let him go, and the giddy ghoul disappeared into the netting of the courts.

Laughing Matters, Opinion

Study on naked mole rats makes SHOCKING discovery (18+)

by Adam Matthews-Kott on

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A recent study published in Nature dived into the behavioural patterns of the naked mole rat. The 18-year study was led by Salamander Zizek, a professor in the Department of Biology at McLung University.

As with all of Zizek’s work, the paper generated a fair amount of excitement in the scientific community. Much of Zizek’s associated infamy comes from a previous failed project, where he tested the vocal range of the lyre bird by teaching them a variety of Western music hits, ranging from religious canticles to 2000s pop classics such as “Baby One More Time.” The birds remain in conservatorship for their own personal safety to this day.

Despite the controversy, Zizek was able to fund his work by piggybacking on previous findings which found that mole rats are resistant to many varieties of cancer. The funding was bestowed both by McGill and a selection of private donors including world-renowned immunologist, Dr. Bro Jogan.

Zizek sat down for an interview with The McGill Tribune alongside his pet mole rat Stuart. As the interview progressed, Stuart began periodically nibbling on Zizek’s ear lobe while emitting soft squeals of delight. I began by asking him to describe the evolution of his project.

“Overall, it was simply fascinating observing the behaviour of the naked mole rat,”  Zizek said. “Of course as any project does, we ran into some initial snags that delayed the project, but I was lucky enough to have a wonderful team which I worked with to solve the underlying issues [….] After some promising initial findings, we were able to get our party—I mean, project—back on track.”

After realizing that his team was struggling to handle the naked mole rats due to their sheer ugliness, Zizek implemented a mandatory minimum blood alcohol concentration of 0.03 per cent for researchers. The team, having overcome this one small hurdle, quickly scrambled to resolve the other issues clouding the project.

A flurry of discoveries followed, including that naked mole rats are much more at home in an environment containing Dolby surround-sound speakers and a full-size pool table.

Although the reception of the paper was predominantly positive, there were many fair criticisms levied against Zizek’s work. They felt that the paper was but a collection of pseudoscientific jargon that failed to contain any meaningful information. I must confess that I, too, was unable to pinpoint exactly what the study was about, although I chalked it up to my own lack of knowledge in the field. This confirmed my suspicion that Zizek was indeed an international man of mystery.

Within Zizek’s own team there also appears to be a small subset of dissidents. An anonymous graduate student, who wished to withhold her name out of severe mortification, told me about their experience working in the mole rat lab.

“When I first began working on the project, I was excited to do important scientific work,” the anonymous informant said. “When I first arrived, I started setting up my Excel spreadsheets, which is my favourite part of my job. Every time I copy and paste information into a spreadsheet I feel like I made the world a slightly better place.”

Their experience has disillusioned them from scientific work and academia at large.

“Another researcher saw my spreadsheets and quickly turned off my computer, explaining to me that my laptop was vibing poorly with his electromagnetic sensitivity syndrome,” they said. “I really think that the project has potential, but part of me worries that our work will be like 90 per cent of everything else that’s published—entirely useless and unlikely to be replicated.”

The situation is not entirely bleak for Zizek and his team. Only time will tell whether Zizek has added yet more meaningless gibberish to the overcrowded sphere we call knowledge, or if he has made a genuine important scientific discovery. Only time will tell.

Joke, Student Life

Cuffing season is over: Best places on campus to break up with your significant other

by Dante Ventulieri on

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Whether it’s the green spaces, reading rooms, restaurants, or historical architecture, there’s no shortage of places on campus to fall in love. However, when deciding where to break up with someone, things get a bit muddier. To help out with these nerve-wracking decisions, The McGill Tribune has identified the best spots at McGill to end things with your partner. 

Birks Basement

The stained glass Birks chapel and study room are among the most romantic places on campus, great for asking out your crush. The basement, on the other hand, is a decrepit network of weird hallways, mysterious rooms, and unsettling bathrooms: The perfect place to end it with your not-so-perfect other half. 

Bonus points if you both had to take your shoes off at the entrance. 

The Leacock hallway before an exam in 132 

What’s better than a quiet, one-on-one setting when you want to end things? How about a packed corridor with 600 nervous and erratic first year students. If things go poorly, you can always slowly disappear into the crowd and eat the guilt away with a box of Krispy Kreme frequently sold by tabling peers. 

Bonus points if the exam in 132 is the dumpee’s. 

In line at the hot-dog stand 

Between school, work, and hobbies, it’s always ideal to maximize your time. For years, the hot-dog cart has been your go-to place for a quick bite. Now, it just became your go-to breakup spot. The momentum of the line, the smell of the grill, and the trash-digging squirrels—what could be less endearing? At the end of it all, regardless of how the breakup goes, you can reward yourself with a hot-dog. 

Bonus points for ending it as they’re taking your order. 

During a lecture

If you share a class with your soon-to-be ex, the possibilities are endless for initiating the tragedy: At the start of class, during the powerpoint, or right at the final moments when students are asking questions—it all depends on what feels right to you. The Tribune recommends the moment when you sense the professor is about to go off on some tangent—that way you won’t have to miss any valuable material. If your ex starts hammering you about the breakup, just whisper, “Shh, I really need to pay attention.”

Bonus points if you snag the middle seats in the second row.

Quiet section of McLennan 

If you’re the type of student who rarely leaves the library during finals season, then there’s no reason to break that streak for a break up. If you want to do it right, start off by looking through the shelves for the biggest book you can find (atlases are good), then invite your partner to the library for a study date. Right as it looks like they’re getting into a good working grind, shoot them a quick message asking to break up (it’s the no-talking section), and then open the book to hide your face if need be. It’s efficient for both of you and courteous to the other library patrons. 

No bonus points on this one, I think it does enough damage. 

Lightning Round

Option 1: Post it on the MyCourses Discussion Board of a class you share.

Option 2: Urge the Provost to mention it at the bottom of the next email blast.

Option 3: Submit it to a vote in an SSMU referendum.

Option 4: Go the meta route. Show them this article and ask which they would prefer. 

an image of various astrological signs
Student Life

The April fools horoscope

by Maria Gheorghiu and Dante Ventulieri on

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With the exam season—and possibly a sixth wave——and possibly a sixth wave—on the horizon, //The McGill Tribune// plots out what the stars have in store for us for us. 

Capricorn: Watch your step when you finally get up from that study spot!! You wouldn’t want to trip and fall in front of everyone at the library. Your pride won’t recover from that, it’s low enough as is.

Gemini: We know you have a great discount code for Uber Eats—and yes, Boustan does sound great tonight—but maybe focus on the $150 worth of groceries that’re molding away in the back of your fridge. 

Virgo: Don’t be afraid to //not// go to Cafe Campus this weekend. Diversity is the key to getting a classic Montreal nightlife experience, and we’re certain you’ll have more fun by doing literally anything else. 

Aquarius: We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. Next time you go see the hotdog guy, try to pay for the person behind you in an act of spontaneous kindness. Out of all you see on TikTok, whether it’s rock climbing, baking, or calligraphy, this is something you could actually pull off. Your wallet will not appreciate it, but you might make a friend. 

Scorpio: Mischief is calling your name. Next time you Mischief is calling your name. Next time you go to Birks and take your shoes off at the entrance, try leaving with someone else’s shoes. It will be a fun experiment that others will definitely appreciate.

Leo: We know you’re out of luck with love—again. We know you’re out of luck with love—again. As a funny opener for your next Tinder match, ask them to deposit $10,000 into your bank account. Chances are that they’ve heard about the Tinder Swindler and will laugh at your joke—if not, at least you’ll make some cash. 

Aries: You got 95 per cent on the midterm for some geography elective you took this semester and your confidence is immeasurable. The stars are saying that your confidence is unearned—try drawing the map of Mongolia from memory, then let us know if you still think your geography skills are superior.

Taurus: April is the month to step outside the box and be adventurous. Unfortunately for you, that means taking a Bixi to get to your finals. The commute will not be relaxing, and it might just drain all your energy, but at least the physical strain will distract you from thoughts of the impending doom of failing your exam. 

Libra: Your quest to find the perfect work-life //balance// has been fruitless at best. Seek a work-life //imbalance// instead by trying the reverse-Pomodoro: Five minutes of work, followed by 25 minutes of well-deserved scrolling. 

Cancer: It’s time to get crafty and reconnect with your artistic side. Next time you go to a house party, impress everyone by bringing home-brewed alcohol. It’s even more impressive of a power move if you bring the leftovers to class the next day. 

Sagittarius: You’re hungover after a weekend of drinking Cancer’s booze—understandable. Treat yourself to an Uber up to Stewart Bio for your 8:30 a.m. lecture. You can’t skip class; your prof will be heartbroken if they don’t see you in the crowd of 300! 

Pisces: Master of the aquatics, we think you should try going to the McGill pool every morning this week. But don’t do a butterfly stroke. Everyone in your lane will hate you if you do a butterfly stroke.  

Laughing Matters, Opinion

The McGill Tribune’s declassified McGill tour guide

by Dima Kiwan on

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Tis’ the season for university campus tours, when dozens of wide-eyed McGill hopefuls explore our beautiful campus, filled with promise for a future at this wondrous institution. Though optimism is great, realism is better. Here’s what your average preppy tour guide and his polyester fanny pack won’t tell you. You’re lucky you’ve got me, I’m not like other tour guides.

To your right entering from Roddick gates is Burnside Hall, the single greatest building at McGill. Burnside can’t decide if it’s a prison compound or an underfunded high school, so you’re sure to get the best of both worlds. And don’t worry too much about the sudden thump noises in the elevators––once you’ve attended your Calc tutorial in the basement, you’ll realize falling down the shaft isn’t much worse. 

On your scenic walk up towards the Arts Building, avoid eye contact with the squirrels and mentally prepare yourself to abandon the glossy image the brochures sold you. Here it is! Note the marble floors, high ceilings, and students camped out in tents occupying the lobby––ah, the charms of a colonial landmark. 

Continue to your left toward the McLennan-Redpath library complex, a dynamic study spot for all your diverse student needs. If you’re looking to watch YouTube at full volume with your friends, morph your spinal cord while trying to plug in your computer, or get absolutely nothing done, Cybertheque is the place to be. If you enjoy loud silence—the kind that pressures you into holding in a cough to the point of a self-induced aneurysm—McLennan’s upper floors will never disappoint. And of course, if you’re fascinated by the “duality” of entirely unspecific things, Emma will be attending her Zoom conference straight dab in the middle of the McLennan stairwell every Wednesday, without fail. Watch your step!

Continue right and you’ll find McTavish, where the Desautels Chad who mansplained the stock exchange to you last Friday is probably taking his Linkedin headshot. Off McTavish you’ll spot the Islamic Studies building, where white people love to congregate for the dark academia aesthetic despite not knowing Persians from Arabs, or the Palestinian from the Sudanese flag. This building is also where McGill takes most of its promotional human rights shots, in the Octagon Room. 

For the classic lecture hall experience, you’ll find Leacock and Adams auditoriums on opposite ends of campus. Nay-sayers will urge you to watch the recording and spare yourself from cramming into a room of hundreds of overheated and likely hungover students. Perhaps you could’ve done without the leg cramps and half-hour of incessant questions from the first-years at the front. But isn’t that what university is all about?

High up Rue University, you will see beloved Trottier to your left. Don’t be fooled by its relatively modern design and good maintenance, for Trottier will find creative ways to elevate your blood pressure. For one, if you manage to squirm into the desk-attached chairs without breaking both your legs, prepare to cease all breathing and movement for the next hour unless you want to curse your class with screeching metal hinges. The last thing you need is a dirty look from the Electrical and Computer Engineering major next to you running 854 programs on his soon-to-explode MacBook Air. 

Finally, a moment of silent admiration for all those that made it to Stewart Bio or McMed for their 8:30 a.m. in the winter. It doesn’t matter that you got a 34 per cent on that midterm, crossing the Peel and Doctor Penfield intersection without sliding to your doom is a true accomplishment worthy of the utmost respect.  

Hopefully, this campus tour has cured any doubts you may have had about McGill from recent news stories denting our ironclad reputation. It really is an excellent option, and McGill is beyond excited to welcome your tuition, and you, of course! Best of luck with your applications.

Student Life

Dear students, from Cloudberry

by Sabrina Nelson on

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Cloudberry the squirrel has asked The McGill Tribune to publish the following letter on her behalf. 

Hey McGillians, 

Cloudberry here. I’ve asked the Tribune to share this message on my behalf as I don’t have social media. 

The Tribune has shown me all of the fan accounts on social media and the endless Reddit posts with pictures of me attached, titled “Spotted Cloudberry” and “she’s so hot.” I am so flattered by all the love that you all have shown me and would want to thank you. However, I’ve come to a certain age where I don’t have the patience to put up with crazy fans and stalkers who follow me around 24/7—don’t you guys have class? 

I know as the designated “McGill squirrel” I have an obligation to be present on campus and to show myself to the people to raise school spirits, but I’m TIRED OF THE FAME AND OF THE ATTENTION. I want to be able to walk around unnoticed like my other squirrel friends and not have a group of students gather around me, pulling out their phones to take who knows how many pictures from unflattering angles? I already have to deal with the heightened threat of predators because of my white fur. I don’t want to add crazy fans to my list of worries—I’ve already had to hire body doubles to evade the paparazzi. 

I loved the winter because it gave me a break from all of the spotlight. There weren’t as many students on campus and because of the snow, I could easily blend in the environment. But, summer is around the corner and I am already dreading it. More people go out and pass through campus, and I can’t go anywhere without drawing attention. Put yourself in my shoes—or, paws: Imagine every time you went out everyone would stop to look at you and take pictures of you WITHOUT ASKING. It’s exhausting. I miss the time when I could just go out without worrying about being followed. Before moving to Milton-Parc, I grew up in Mont-Royal, surrounded by nature and peace. 

I don’t think most of you realize that being famous isn’t easy. Do you know how much time I spend getting ready in the morning to make sure that my pearly coat is perfect? Definitely more time than I should be. Once I’m on campus I have to be careful with what I do to make sure something embarrassing, like peeing behind a tree, doesn’t end up getting posted on social media and getting me in trouble with my community. 

Also, all this fame has made my other squirrel friends jealous. I mean I get why you guys adore me, I am pretty cute, but maybe you should show them some love for a change. I’m tired of dealing with their complaints and of being constantly left out of their nutty games. 

All I’m asking is for all of you to give me a bit of space—summer is around the corner and I don’t want to have to deal with all of you. Next time you spot me on campus, perhaps don’t take a picture of me. Just treat me like any other squirrel! 

I hope you all understand. 

Sincerely, 

Cloudberry 

Commentary, Opinion

Open Letter from Jewish students on the Palestinian Solidarity Policy

by Jewish Members of the McGill Community in Support of the Palestine Solidarity Policy on

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To the McGill Community, Deputy Provost Fabrice Labeau, and the McGill Administration,

As a group of Jewish students within the McGill community, we are writing to reaffirm our support for the Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU) Palestine Solidarity Policy in the wake of Deputy Provost Fabrice Labeau’s response to its approval. 

On March 24, Labeau threatened to terminate the university’s Memorandum of Agreement with SSMU in objection to the Palestine Solidarity Policy passed less than 24 hours prior. The policy passed with an overwhelming majority of 71 per cent support during the SSMU’s Winter 2022 referendum, along with several other new fees. It marks a historic win for Palestinian students and their allies at McGill. For two decades, Palestinian students at McGill have worked tirelessly to educate their peers about the complicity of this institution in settler-colonial apartheid. Time and time again, their activism has been met with censorship, doxxing, and repression from an openly hostile administration.

In his letter, Deputy Provost Labeau claims that the policy causes “division” within our campus community and violates the university’s principles of inclusion, diversity, and respect. This assertion is blatantly false. The policy is a project of solidarity and community, promoting the well-being of Palestinian students on campus and defending of Palestinian human rights abroad. We see the defense of human rights—and effectively the defense of this motion––as an enactment of our Jewish values. 

We, as Jewish McGillians, do not feel “unwelcome or rejected” because of actions like the Palestine Solidarity Policy. We believe that this policy is a necessary, important step in the fight against McGill’s complicity in the violence of colonialism, racism, imperialism, militarism, and capitalism—from Turtle Island to Palestine.

We emphasize that this policy was passed democratically and with a supermajority. This win is a demonstration of the popular power of students that has been built over time and will not be deterred by threats to democratic decision-making. To deny the legitimacy of the motion is to deny the will of the student body. We challenge the Deputy Provost’s portrayal of deep divisions among the campus community over initiatives for human rights. The most significant division on campus that we see—as has also been emphasized by the last three weeks of #OccupyMcGill actions—is the long standing divide between the actions of the administration and the voice of the student body.

We are concerned that Deputy Provost Labeau brought up the upcoming initiative to prevent antisemitism and Islamophobia as a way of discrediting this democratic motion. Conflating criticism of the settler-colonial state of Israel with antisemitism is both incorrect and a dangerous distraction from real instances of antisemitism.

Some Jewish organizations on McGill campus and beyond have condemned the policy, but these organizations do not represent all of the Jews in the McGill community, and do not have the right to speak for all of us. There is a significant diversity of perspectives within the Jewish community, as within any community. For many years, there has been a strong Jewish presence at McGill in solidarity with Palestinian human rights. 

So, to Jewish students on campus, we want to remind you that your Jewishness and solidarity with Palestinian human rights are not mutually exclusive. Rather, these two truths can, and should, be complementary. And to Palestinian students, please know that we are with you now as firmly than ever. We will always continue to fight for the future we believe in: One with justice, freedom, and dignity for all, which includes a free Palestine as well as the democratization of this campus.

If you are a Jewish student at McGill and would like to anonymously sign in support of this open letter, please use this form: https://forms.gle/nWbVnCKsFfrg5kMg6 

Sincerely, 

Jewish Members of the McGill Community in Support of the Palestine Solidarity Policy

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