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a, From the BrainSTEM, Science & Technology

From the BrainSTEM: The failing U.S. education system

by Chloe Nevitt on

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When it comes to training future generations, scientific research has proven that the U.S. education system fails. In 2012, the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) coordinated the Program for International Student Assessment (PISA), a standard that was developed for measuring the performance of 15-year-old students in math, science, and reading literacy. They found that the U.S. was average when evaluating science and reading, while in math, the U.S. fell significantly below average. At the top of the list was Japan, South Korea, China, and Finland. Considering the fact that the U.S. government spends around $632 billion a year (according to the U.S. Department of Education) funding its education system—five times more than the second biggest spender, Japan—its standardized test results are pitiable.

It’s easy to argue that standardized scores cannot be used to measure a person’s intelligence and should therefore be dismissed. However, in light of the obscene amount of money the U.S. invests in its education system, there is no denying that we’re doing something wrong. Perfecting the U.S. education system has consumed countless amounts of taxpayer dollars and innumerable government official hours with no observable progress. This can only mean one thing: Policymakers are not listening to the right people.

Since the 1990s, researchers have been suggesting fundamental changes to the educational system. In 1993, researchers at Brown University showed that at the onset of puberty, adolescents will experience what is known as a phase shift in their sleeping schedules, causing them to fall asleep and wake up later. Following this, more evidence began to surface from universities across the globe, supporting and validating this claim. This led to physicians and scientists calling for delayed class start times to improve academic performance, but their cries were ignored.

Today, 85 per cent of U.S. schools have start times before 8:30 a.m. By failing to invoke later start times for schools, policies consistently subject adolescent students to states of sleep deprivation, decreasing overall performance. Twenty years later, when the importance of sleep is uncontested, we still fail to provide these students with this consideration. And when the problem can be remedied as easily as having the school bell ring an hour later, it seems draconian to not implement it. But starting the day later is frowned upon in North American society and often associated with laziness and ineptitude. Schools, as a result, reject the mere mention, fueled by skeptical parents and lazy educators unwilling to evolve their work schedules, ignoring the needs of children.

    The consequences of inept teaching is seen further when assessing American homework assignments. Finland, on the other hand, completely restructured their education system 40 years ago as part of larger economic recovery plans. This partly focused on improving teacher training by making it more selective and rigorous, ensuring quality control. But it extended beyond that.

On average, Finnish schools will assign no more than half an hour of homework a day, whereas, according to a 2007 Metlife study, the average American high school student will do upwards to eight hours of homework a week. Initially, the idea of assigning less work seems counter-productive; it is only when looking closely at the type of work being assigned that we begin to notice a difference. U.S. schools are in a chokehold caused by the American consumerist mentality—bigger is better; quantity over quality.

By throwing endless amounts of useless exercises at students, we are enablers of teacher shortcomings—if it can’t be taught in class, it can be assigned. We also limit the amount of time students can spend participating in extra-curricular activities where creativity, teamwork, and autonomy can be learned through experience. And while these skills aren’t immediately deemed valuable by the North American system—presumably because they can’t be evaluated through standardized tests—other countries are realizing that a successful student will generally possesses an array of these talents. Researchers have shown—as recently as last Monday in an article published in the Journal of Educational Psychology—that anything more than 70 minutes of homework per day is inefficient. Why, then, are U.S. students still inundated with mountains of work that have shown to serve no productive purpose?

In 2000, when the first PISA was done, a shockwave spread through the world: Finnish students were the best young readers in the world. By 2003, they were the best at math and by 2006; Finnish students had captured the top spot in science. No one expected the Finnish system to work this well, or for that matter, at all. Instead of focusing on their policies, they listened to the needs of the students, and responded to that. Finnish society has created schools where the students are not only nurtured, but prized. There is no segregation of smart and ‘dumb’ children; those who are struggling are offered the help they deserve.

The capitalist mentality of punishing slow learners and rewarding the fast learners by placing them into honour societies or in Advanced Placement programs is glaringly flawed. We are drawing an imaginary line where we define some children as being smart and others dumb. If the education system we’ve created convinces students that they are not equally as capable or intelligent as their peers, we have in fact, done the opposite of creating an education system. According to the Wall Street Journal, the United States' secondary education graduation rate is only 75 per cent; Finland’s is 96.

Many differences exist between the U.S. and Finland that cannot be ignored. But when dealing with such a fundamentally similar problem, the same approach should be taken. The American education system needs a complete overhaul.

If, in the future, the U.S. hopes to compete economically, socially, and politically on a global scale, it needs to more properly prepare the next generation. By maintaining the current status quo of machine learning, hoping to pump out higher standardized test scores through shallow and flimsy education policies, it is setting itself up for disaster. If the cries of researchers are addressed, and students are treated like humans instead of numbers, then we might start to see progress. Until then, the likes of Finland, Japan, South Korea, and China will continue to outperform the U.S., and if no changes are made—for years to come.

 

a, Science & Technology

Research Briefs—March 31, 2015

by Cassie Lee on

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  • A visual dictionary

    Recent research published in The Journal of Neuroscience by researchers from Georgetown University has preseanted the mechanism underlying how humans read. The researchers found that instead of breaking down words into sounds and meanings, our brains visually imagine the word first. The collaboration of scientists conducting this study believe a small part of the brain called the visual word form area (VWFA) in the left occipitotemporal lobe stores how a whole word looks, allowing for quick recall while reading.

    To demonstrate this hypothesis, subjects were trained to recognize ‘pseudo-words,’ or words that had no meaning. The volunteers then had an fMRI, a type of brain scan, taken of them while reading texts which contained both real and pseudo-words. What the researchers found was that before training there was poor response tunings in the VWFA, while real words exhibited strong responses. After the training, the pseudowords began to elicit similar responses to real words, suggesting that word learning increases neuron specificity in the VWFA, which creates a picture of the word and saves it in a type of visual dictionary.

    This research adds to the ever-growing pile of evidence supporting the hypothesis that our brains do not have a direct mechanism for reading. This is because expression in the form of writing is so evolutionarily young that our brains have instead created new, alternate, mechanisms for reading. The study has wide implications in the field of learning and reading, especially when considering new strategies to visual word processing for those with learning disabilities.

  • Maintaining fidelity

    McGill University researcher John Lydon and Johan Karremans from Radbond University may have figured out why some people in relationships have a wandering eye and others don’t. Their recently published review, Relationship regulation in the face of eye candy: A motivated cognition framework for understanding response to attractive alternatives, explores how couples in committed relationships resist other attractive individuals.

    According to Lydon and Karremans, the difference between a cheater and a faithful partner is tied to the ability to exert self-control in all areas of their lives—this includes resisting fattening foods or binge watching Netflix. In one study they presented, brain activation when neglecting self-control also correlated to a higher degree of responsiveness to attractive individuals, regardless of the relationship status. So it would seem that those who are more likely to succumb to their vices are more likely to succumb to infidelity as well. Conditions that decrease inhibition, such as being tired, stressed, or under the influence of alcohol, are also conducive to cheating.

    When evaluating faithfulness, psychological drives of motivation play an enormous role. However, fidelity runs beyond one’s personal ability to stay motivated, and is also tied to the amount by which one identifies with his or her partner. Basically, resisting ‘eye candy’ is a lot easier to do if a person is more invested. On the other hand, if the chemistry is missing, the tendency to explore alternative, more attractive individuals, increases.

  • Doping with dopamine

    Human actions have been portrayed as being impossible to predict. Scientists from UC Berkley and UC San Francisco are showing that this might not necessarily be the case. In their study Dopamine Modulates Egalitarian Behaviour in Humans, the researchers show that pro-social behaviour can be modulated with drugs. The evidence suggests that by stimulating dopamine production, we can increase equality-seeking behaviours.

    The study was originally conducted to investigate the chemical imbalances in mental disorders such as addiction or bipolarism. The scientists performed a double-blind experiment in which subjects were given the drug Tolcapone, which is used in the treatment of Parkinson’s Disease by increasing dopamine levels in the prefrontal cortex. Participants were then asked to play a simple game that involved splitting money between participants. The results showed that when under the influence of Tolcapone, subjects were more likely to split the money equally amongst the strangers. By increasing dopamine levels, the researchers increased generosity.

    It may be difficult to consider personality traits as being controllable, but if egalitarian behaviour can be subject to manipulation, what else can?

a, Arts & Entertainment, Music

Redemption Songs

by Max Berger on

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“Why are you bothering to do good for people who have done so much bad?”

As the founder of Pros and Cons, a pilot program that gives musical mentorship to prison inmates, Hugh Christopher Brown has put a lot of thought into this question. Ultimately for him, the answer comes down to one guiding principle.

“I don’t feel that a single atrocious act should eclipse an entire human being,” Brown said. “You build a relationship [with a prisoner,] and very often, that’s exactly what’s lacking from [the lives of people] who end up doing something narcissistic, tragic, violent, and stupid that lands their ass in jail.”

Many would tend to agree with Brown in theory, but projects that meaningfully enrich the lives of prisoners are rare, and with limited financial resources available, few are willing to take the initiative to actually go out and implement them. In 2010, the numbers of those projects dwindled even further when the Conservative government went forward with a plan that shut down six rehabilitative prison farms around Canada at which inmates had the opportunity to do agricultural work during their sentences. One of them was Pittsburgh Institution, located just outside of Kingston and near Brown’s studio on Wolfe Island. With this crucial activity in their lives taken away, Brown saw the opportunity to step in and provide an alternative.

“I didn’t think that a benefit or a cause record would necessarily be effective because convicts sponsor little public sympathy,” Brown explained. “So I just decided to get inside and do something positive.”

Launching Pros and Cons was one significant step in a long musical journey for Brown. He played classical music growing up in Toronto and played in rock bands during high school, including the Bourbon Tabernacle Choir, which lasted on the road for 10 years. Since then he’s been living mostly in New York, both creating his own music and playing/producing for other artists, including The Tragically Hip and the Crash Test Dummies.  

At the outset of the program, Brown was starting from scratch, unaware of anything similar that could provide him with a template to follow. As he describes, Pros and Cons is more focused on giving the creative process a space to happen than adhering to some sort of rigid structure.

“It’s a collaboration with largely myself and the inmates, but I’ve brought in a lot of other musicians and artists to kind of share their experience and songs, so it can change depending on who’s present,” Brown explained. “Sometimes it’s sharing songs, or it’s about musical theory. There’s been a lot of engineering and production work because the guys all had to learn to set equipment up and then tear it down because we have to empty the chapel every week.”

The growth and direction of the program are largely a product of the response from the Pittsburgh inmates—which has been overwhelmingly positive.

“The first session I ever did in there was supposed to be 45 minutes and it turned into two and a half hours,” Brown recalled. “Everybody had notebooks, poems. Once we started, it just was like a floodgate [….] There was so much writing and so many people who wanted to be involved that I just kind of kept up regular sessions and by the end of it, we had an album recorded entirely in prison.”

Brown is referring to Postcards From the County (2014), a 12-track collection of folk-centric original songs and covers, with proceeds going to various charities and restorative justice victim support causes. It was recorded over the course of a year, although Brown has been going into the prison for about two and a half years in total now. Pros and Cons is something he’s coordinated as a volunteer, and he’s often had to provide funding for it out of his own pocket. He hopes that the model that he’s established can continue to succeed and potentially spread.  

“What I’m doing right now is accruing a team of people who want to do it in different places,” Brown shares.

However, he worries that the Canadian government is looking to rationalize privatization of the prison system, and won’t be likely to help enable a program that could probably benefit the country from a financial standpoint.

“I would argue that if you started a program like this nationally, you’d be saving money because incarceration rates [and recidivism] would go down,” Brown explained. “This civilization has to take responsibility for itself beyond warehousing human beings, and beyond just our acceptance of collective punishment.”

Especially having produced results on a micro scale already, Brown knows firsthand how beneficial something like Pros and Cons can be for an individual.

“There was this one inmate who wouldn’t come out of his cell for over a year unless he was ordered to,” Brown said. “And they all thought that he was done for. The [inmate] was one of the most enthusiastic proponents of the program, who exposed himself to be incredibly gifted on the guitar, and then he just started practicing and practicing and mentoring others to do the same.”

With Pros and Cons, the music and positivity are present in Pittsburgh; hopefully more penal systems decide to start playing along. 

Margaret Scratcher
a, Joke

Margaret Scratcher claws her way up to SSMU presidency

by Catowner Lee on

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On Friday, March 27, write-in catidate Margaret Scratcher won her case against the SSMU Supreme Court regarding the results of the recent SSMU election. Claiming there was something fishy about the unfurrtunate results, the Supreme Court scooped up the tail and due to an infringement claws, issued an official recount. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, the Court found Scratcher the clear winner with a majority vote of 89.8 per cent.

The claim was placed following rumors that members from within the election itself groomed the results to cause Scratcher’s loss. The purrpetrators, whose names have not yet been released to the public, are currently being purrsued to validate the allogations. Sources assert the group rigged the election because they “really are, just dog people.” 

After the shocking catastrophe, former president-elect Karma Abraham reacted pawsitively, asserting the importance of transpurrancy in elections. He was also relieved to have the pressure remewved. Last night he updated his Facebook status: “Thanks all for your support, I am sure Margaret will do a purrfect job. TBH all I want to do now is snuggle up in something soft and knock some important items off my desk.”

The other candidate Alex Smirnoff agreed Scratcher was the top dog for the job, but urged students to be cautious, recalling Scratchers previous cattiness during presidential debates. 

“She would litterally just sit there licking herself in public, occasionally meowing at the ceiling. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.”

Scratcher does not intend to take this attack purrsonally and is ready to pounce back and start putting her plans into action. Her previous platform included increasing budget spending to complete project Capture the Red Dot and opening the Redpath Library doors to accommodate individuals without opposable thumbs. With this victory she intends to really get her paws dirty and chase the rats out of SSMU. 

She also plans to continue to push the importance of creature equality on campus. She commented that all species regardless of colour, fluffiness, or snuggability ought to have a rightful place at McGill. In order to achieve this monstrous task, she proposes the placement of gender and species-neural litterboxes throughout campus.  

Her first project will be piloted this coming April, titled “Free the Nip,” a campaign lobbying for the legalization of catnip on campus. She envisions the complete decriminalization of posession of the popular stimulant by November 2015. 

Scratcher stated she was excited to have won her case and intends to seize every moment as SSMU president as if it was the last ball of twine dangling off a table. In celebration of her triumph, she hopes to install the first ever “Cocktail Caturdays” a bring your pet to Gerts night. Although not yet confirmed, it is rumored that Concordia University’s student union’s president Winston Furrhill will be in attendance. The pair have been spotted sharing scratching posts and left the litterbox together this past February. The other VP’s declined to comment on how these relations will affect the future of communication between Concordia and McGill student unions. 

The other VPs commented they were pleased with the results, hoping Margaret will live up to her reputation as the iron kitty, and are grateful to have such a motiviated member on council.  Khloe Torque, next year’s VP University Affurs, added, “I’m grateful to have Margaret’s fantastic catitude with us on committee, I’m hoping her presidency will also have great impact on the current mice infestation in SSMU.”

Concerns were raised from current VP Internal Dave Haim regarding how the presence of such an adorable councillor would affect productivity of fellow SSMU members. Rumors of a motion to implement extra cuddle hours have not been confirmed; however, several students have expressed interest in attending office hours with Scratcher.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

a, Joke

Library Improvement Fund creates initiative to eliminate PDA

by Julie Andrews on

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The Library Improvement Fund (LIF) released its report this week outlining the initiatives that will be undertaken in the 2015-2016 academic year. The report includes plans to improve the library facilities, as well as strategies for the implementation of several special projects. 

One of the main undertakings is the creation of a timeline to eliminate PDA by 2017. The LIF created a plan to achieve this goal by gradually imposing regulations to limit impromptu shoulder massages and make-out sessions directly across from another student. 

Out of respect to other students, the report also recommends leaving your goddamn carrots at home. The LIF has also explored the possibility of holding workshops for students seeking to learn about proper music and cell phone etiquette. One info session has already been held for students unsure of at what decibel their trap music becomes audible to the entire rest of the section.

In a two-pronged approach to combat the persistent smell of body odour, the LIF has put aside funds to hold a large-scale fumigation of the 6th floor of Schulich Library, and hopes to lobby the administration to organize its efforts to turn down the thermostat.  In addition, the LIF has created a specific timeline dedicated to initiatives at the Schulich Library, including hopes to see the construction on the building completed by 2092. 

As part of its efforts to improve the appearance of library facilities, the LIF hopes to increase its funding by December 2016 to provide calligraphy pens in all library bathrooms with the goal of beautifying the bathroom stall debates scrawled on the walls. The report reasons that your uninformed comments about the Demilitarize McGill sticker would look much nicer in a uniform serif font.

The LIF report also advocates for the implementation of strict regulations to combat students taking the elevator to the third floor. Some strategies for achieving this goal include imposing fines for lazy elevator riders, as well as starting a social action campaign to publicly shame any student who takes the elevator to either the second or third floor. Negotiations are also underway for a similar shaming strategy for individual students occupying a five-person table in the Redpath group study area.

Finally, in collaboration with the Mental Health Working Group (MHWG), the LIF has requested that McGill discontinue the 11:45 PM bell in McLennan Library. The report estimated that the elimination of the incessant ringing in the middle of student all-nighters would decrease the number of visits to the Mental Health Clinic by approximately 40 per cent. This request was made in direct response to one student’s meltdown during the Fall semester finals, when the ringing, even when stopped, continued to echo in his head, causing him to curl up in fetal position under a 5th floor McLennan desk.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

a, Joke

Adriana Giordano selected first overall by Linguistics in Arts Draft 2015

by Mick R. Adish on

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This past Thursday in Leacock 132, the Department of Linguistics kicked off one of the most exciting Arts Undergraduate League (AUL) drafts in recent memory by using its first overall pick to select La Citadelle’s Adriana Giordano. The pick came as a heavy shock to the numerous fans and experts who had tabbed Linguistics to select either Justine Fitzpatrick (Molson) or Zain Khalil (Douglas), highly considered to be the most talented undeclared U0 prospects available.

“When they picked Giordano, it caught me totally off guard,” said AUL analyst Jill Barnwell of rantland.com. “I mean, looking back at her scouting report, you start to see the logic—dad’s an Italian diplomat, speaks four languages, good ear for dialects—but her GPA is mediocre and she’s planning to join the Rowing team next year, which will drain her free time and take away a lot of her immediate upside. It’s too early to tell how she’ll pan out, but I think Linguistics had a chance to make a big splash this year and they probably blew it.” 

Despite picking frequently in the top five over the past decade, this was only Linguistics’ second top overall pick ever and first since 1973. The draft order, which consists of 20 departments, is created by the AUL’s Competition Committee and is determined based on which ones are most in need of academic talent and intangible skills that can benefit the department; for example, becoming an executive in its association, getting dope internships in the field, and selling samosas. Nina Sun, president of The Syndicate of Linguistics Undergrads at McGill (SLUM), defended her department’s choice. 

“Obviously a lot of people are shaking their heads, but she graded out really highly for us and we’re really excited about the way she fits our system,” explained Sun. “When we took her out to SNAX for a pre-draft interview, Adriana just blew us away with her natural ability. We showed her some words in Bengali—a language she had never spoken before—and she was identifying proper syntax structure by the time she was done with her bean salad.”

Before leaving the classroom to go celebrate at Bar des Arts, a teary-eyed Giordano discussed the feeling of going first overall.

“Honestly, when I didn’t declare a major during free agency and realized that I was eligible for Arts Draft, I didn’t really care that much where I went,” she admitted. “But then when Commissioner [Eva] Loo called my name, it was just such a special moment. I phoned my dad and told him I didn’t hate him anymore for making us move so much. I’m so blessed for that, and for SLUM and the professors putting so much faith in me. I know that I have to work on my study habits, but I’ll put the time in—I do not plan on being a bust.” 

After the Giordano pick, the surprises continued as Canadian Studies traded its eighth overall pick and a package of assets—next year’s first round pick, this year’s sixth and seventh round picks, and a departmental scholarship—to Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist Studies so it could move up and select Fitzpatrick. Arts Draft attendee and U2 Canadian Studies student Callum Nelson praised the decision. 

“Sure, we gave up a lot to get her, but from what I’ve heard, Justine’s the surest thing in this draft,” said Nelson. “Apparently she was president of Molson Hall, so you know the leadership skills and social presence are there—not to mention she’s rocking a 3.8 GPA. I think she could give Canadian Studies some much needed relevancy.” 

Political Science was on the clock next, picking in the top 10 for the first time since 1968 and capping off a difficult degree cycle that saw them lose several key free agents to International Development Studies. They took T.J Adams from Outremont, an avid debater and the consensus top prospect among this year’s CEGEP crop.

Immediately following that pick, Loo walked back up to the podium to announce the second trade of the day, a deal that resulted in Geography selecting Khalil. 

“They saw the opportunity with the French Language Centre picking at four to go and get [Khalil], so good on them for getting it done,” said Barnwell. “And they only had to give up a second rounder and access to a room in the Burnside basement to get it. Pretty good value if you ask me.”

East Asian Studies rounded out the top five by selecting Otto Wright from Solin Hall, beginning a run on Solin prospects that saw Erica Byrne-Bilson go to Anthropology at six and Robert Hong to Jewish Studies at seven. 

This year’s “Mr. or Mrs. Irrelevant,” the title awarded to the last student drafted, was Dave Barton from Gardner Hall, who was scooped up by Classical Studies with the 171st overall pick in the ninth round. 

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

a, Editorial, Opinion

Editorial: Admin’s decision on women-only gym hours fails to engage students

by McGill Tribune Editorial Board on

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On March 20, Deputy Provost (Student Life and Learning) Ollivier Dyens released a statement refusing the controversial request of women-only gym hours that has resulted in debate both on and off-campus. The statement, which came as a surprise to many, cited McGill’s nature as a secular, co-educational institution as the main reasons for its decision to refuse the adoption of women-only gym hours and end negotiations with students. According to a response by Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU) Vice-President University Affairs, Claire Stewart-Kannigan, the students advocating for the women-only hours were close to a compromise with McGill Athletics before the administration abruptly put an end to the talks.

The administration’s release of a somewhat rash statement defending its stance demonstrated a failure to engage students in the decision-making process, and left the resolution of the controversy unclear. Moreover, promising talks with McGill Athletics were underway, in which the university was considering providing women-only hours in the Varsity Weight Room, a space separate from the main Fitness Centre. Stewart-Kannigan maintains that the administration did not consult with students before the release of its statement and the closing of negotiations. The administration should have had more lines of communication with students, and engaged in negotiations that were taking place, which could have resulted in a successful compromise.

Dyens has encouraged Soumia Allalou, the student who brought forward the request, to gather statistics and qualitative information for how the proposition could benefit students. Such a break in negotiations could have been beneficial for both sides to regroup amidst the controversy. However, f the decision was grounded in McGill’s secular principles, as stated by the administration, then the introduction of data will have no effect on the administration’s decision.

The administration should have had more lines of communication with students, and respected the negotiations that were taking place with McGill Athletics.

According to an interview with Stewart-Kannigan, women-only hours were proposed several years ago at the McGill pool by a group of Orthodox Jewish women, and the university accepted their request for religious accomodation. Stewart-Kannigan cited the heated nature of the topic of religoius accomodation for Muslim women in the media currently as the reason for the divergent decisions on the pool hours versus gym hours. Confronted with this fact, Dyens stated in an interview with the CBC that the issue of modesty at the pool is fundamentally different than at the gym. This assumption is subjective, and doesn’t take into account the feelings of students at the gym who may also feel uncomfortable. The administration should have discussed this perspective with students instead of deciding unilaterally what defines modesty and making the decision on behalf of students.

If part of the university’s reasoning for denying women-only gym hours was rooted in the promotion of secularism, the conflicting stances on the pool and the gym hours undermine the logic behind the administration’s decisions. Moreover, many other universities, including the University of Toronto, York, Ryerson, and University of Ottawa, have implemented women-only hours in their own athletic facilities, which provides another argument against the administration’s stance that the women-only hours are not in line with the university’s secular nature.

In addition to the boldness of the administration’s actions, the statement that was released was characterized by contradictory and unclear reasoning. The imprecise ideological justification for the decision, which cited both arguments of secularism and the issue of modesty, rendered the administration’s statements and actions contradictory. It is thus difficult for students to mobilize an initiative against the administration since the rationalization behind the decision remains hazy.

Although keeping the dialogue with students open might have caused controversy on campus and its coverage in the media to linger, it would have likely resulted in a compromise that most students and administrators could have been satisfied with. SSMU Council approved a motion on March 26 demanding that the university reopen negotiations, revealing that students are still interested in talking. Regardless of the decision that is reached, the administration should seek to engage students in this issue and attempt to reach a settlement that incorporates the interests of all those involved.

a, Joke

SSMU’s global affairs votes reverberating across international borders

by Will I. Am. on

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“I don’t want to say that we ‘solved world peace,’” said a SSMU undergraduate member, who wished to remain anonymous, “but let’s just say that I’m pretty much guaranteed an A in POLI 450.”

The peacebuilding course, which along with POLI 350 (Developing Areas/Middle East) is expected to undergo major curriculum reevaluation by professor Lex Brian after a revolutionary methodology was discovered by the collective efforts of SSMU. 

“For years, we thought that sit-ins were the most effective way of getting our voice heard,” lamented AUS President Lucy Loo. “Our most recent demonstration in support of sandwiches was conducted with this traditional mindset. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my time at McGill, it’s that a change in perspective can make a huge difference. SSMU’s method allows them to literally see the bigger picture due to their higher vantage point.”

The Tribune’s source claimed in hushed tones that the game-changing technique allowed them to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

“One day, we were sitting around our conference table as usual, lobbing politically correct terms back and forth,” she said. “Our VP External got up to speak, and I’ll never forget what she said: ‘What if, instead of sitting in, we stood in?’”

“The room was filled with tension—we felt as if we were on the brink of a breakthrough. But something was missing. At SSMU, we tend to bandy about words like consensus, harmony, and support. But the key to our solution that day was solidarity.”

U3 English Literature and semantics enthusiast Mike McKibbins claims he was the one to come up with the crucial terminology. 

“We were brainstorming on a white board, trying to come up with ‘be it resolved’ clauses as usual,” McKibbins gushed. “I had the idea to make ‘stand in solidarity’ the crux of our motion, and the rest, as they, say, is history.”

McKibbins received a standing ovation for his contribution.

Master’s student Lucy Adams, currently working on a thesis in chaos theory, claimed that the simple action of standing still could have a ‘butterfly effect’ that would virtually eliminate centuries of racial tensions and ingrained power structures worldwide.

While Society members turned out in droves to vote on the completed motions on March 15, global leaders are waiting with bated breath for them to be ratified online. Election facilitators ‘Simply Voting’ have been working overtime to secure the integrity of the voting process amidst rumours of ‘Facebook hackers’ attempting to undermine the Society’s efforts.

 This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

a, Joke

IRC to have all first years run for SSMU President as part of Rez Project

by Captain America on

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After a recent proposal passed by Inter-Resident Council (IRC), a new initiative will be put in place to have all first-year students run for president of SSMU. The program, which was initially brought forth by the MORE Hall Council President, Tristcuit Renododie, aims to have all first-year students experience the crippling judgment and scrutiny that all SSMU presidential candidates are subjected to.

“We just really want to have students take a good look at themselves and ask ‘What am I doing wrong? Why am I so much more unfit for a leadership position than anybody else?’” Renododie explained. “But, of course, we understand that self-reflection can be difficult. This way, 20,000 of their peers can make those judgments for them.”

A working group is currently in place to oversee the implementation of the project for the incoming class of 2015-2016, and is being headed by IRC VP Communications, Annie Heiney, and IRC VP External, Laurie-Ann Perrier.

“We’ve been working very closely with Floor Fellows as well as engaging with Idina [Hair-Barrette, SSMU VP External],” Perrier said. “By working with SSMU, we hope to be able to heavily enforce all the electoral bylaws in the residences, to make sure students know when they’ve really messed up, and go on to publicly shame them in their own place of living.”

When developing the project with Renondin, IRC President Hollister Pottz noted that while Rez Project has done a lot of good in terms of making students aware of social and cultural differences and teaching them how to respect others, it has really been lacking in terms of making students completely vulnerable and available for baseless judgment.

“We’ve made great strides in Rez Project,” Pottz said. “We’ve really succeeded in making a noticeably more inclusive and accepting campus atmosphere. But there are still some students who aren’t really getting it. I think setting up a platform in which both undergraduate and graduate students are encouraged to rip apart first years’ flaws and hypocrisies will really help with that.”

Some former presidential candidates have expressed issues with the project, claiming that the emotional toll may prove too intense for some students. One former presidential candidate, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that some students wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure.

“Someone broke into my home, they harassed me with Facebook screen shots and threatened me with a Supreme Court case,” the student said. “I had only been campaigning for a day, my platform wasn’t even solidified at that point. It was so awful.”

Despite these fears, after consultation with first-year students, the project coordinators decided that the benefits far outweighed the risks.

“This is more than a networking opportunity for first years,” Heiney said. “It will teach them transparency, how to properly use social media, and how to take constructive criticism. Even better, they’ll be able to interact with their community and learn crucial public relations skills as they’re lambasted for a simple mistake on a public platform that can be viewed by anyone, even future employers.”

Former SSMU VP Internal Ryan Nearnan echoed Heiney, and added his support to the project, claiming how his time being scrutinized for a minor political gaffe at McGill has helped him become a better, more introspective person.

“I will admit there are times I wish I could Google my name and not have a thousand links with the word ‘humiliating’ in the headline come up,” Nearnan explained. “But now when I go into interviews and they ask me that question about how I overcame adversary, I’m always prepared, and honestly that’s what really matters.”

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

Margaret Scratcher
a, Joke

April Fools’ Issue 2015

by McGill Tribune on

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