In order to stay warm in this city during the winter months, the first thing you need to do is realize you will never stay warm in Montreal. Accept that as a fact. Now let’s move on.

Second, you need to ask yourself whether you want need to stay warm. Do you ever really want to leave the comfort of your apartment’s fireplace and enter the frozen tundra where you would need to try to stay warm? There are a few considerations to ponder within this question: Where are you going? Do you really need to be there? Can’t you just use Skype? These are difficult questions, so for now let’s focus on this dilemma as it relates to university students.

First question: Where are you going? Are you going to class? If the answer is yes, then you definitely do not need to go outside. Class is a waste of time and you won’t learn anything you can’t learn on YouTube, Wikipedia, or by “Asking Jeeves.” If, however, you’re one of those total nerds who feels the need to know what your professor is saying in lectures, try to make friends with someone who is tech-savvy and easily manipulated. You’re going to want to convince them to turn their computer towards the front of the class so you can just watch the lectures via Skype. It’s basically the same as watching a recorded lecture, but not all classes are recorded and you can’t ask or answer questions if this is the case, a luxury which you can enjoy while Skyping into class.

But imagine, for the sake of this discussion, that you are such a nerd that you “need” to physically attend class. What should you do to stay warm on the way to class? Let’s say you have a 9:30 a.m. class. Wake up at 6:30 a.m. at the latest and start pounding brews and doing shots off your roommates’ sleeping bellies. Contrary to what science may or may not say, drinking will definitely keep you warm. I’m not really sure why, but I think its has something to do with the fact that you’ll be having so much fun drinking that you’ll forget how cold it is outside. Furthermore, the rush you’ll get from drinking so early in the morning will surely add to your excitement and enjoyment, thereby helping you ignore your oncoming frostbite. And don’t start complaining that you don’t want to drink that early in the morning. You’re in university and you should start acting like it.

I should note that before you get too drunk, you should put on long underwear. It will help keep you warm in general, and will also be useful if you get lost during the journey from your apartment to Leacock.

At this point you should be pretty drunk—drunk enough that you would feel comfortable talking to a police officer about his horse’s droppings, drunk enough that you have lost some inhibitions, but not drunk enough to get arrested for public intoxication.

Now you’re ready to go to class. You might also want to consider having a text message typed out and ready to send to your friend telling them that you’ve passed out in a snow bank and might die. Right now, you’re pretty drunk, so watch out for snow banks; those things come out of nowhere, man.

If you do succeed in finding your classroom, try to keep your voice down as you enter. This will be quite difficult because, at this point, everything you have to say is probably very funny and smart —right now you feel great, nothing can stop you. Remember this feeling because it will soon be overcome by the feeling of vomit.